Backpack tag...

We were tagged a while ago to divulge the super-secret contents of all Ashley's must have's that she keep contained within the pink zipper of her Care Bear back pack... I honestly didn't know where it was until we had to find it for pre-school...
So, here they are!
- Glow Worm
- My Little Pony coloring pages
- Polly Pocket Snow White, with Belle's dress...
- and a dinosaur skull from a kid's meal.
So, since pretty much all of our kids have backpacks, feel free to show what they desire to pack around... and pass it on.

Ashley's first day...

Today was Ashley's first day of pre-school...
She was so excited. I was too. I didn't cry though, like I have with Lynn, when I dropped her off. Maybe I am just all cried out...
This last week has been a tough one. There are so many changes taking place, I am in a little bit of a shock. I had better get used to this, it is life after all...

My kids say some funny things...

The girls have been cracking us up, as always.
When we were watching Evan when Brooke had her last appointment, Lynn woke up and asked what was going on. I explained to her that Brooke and Austin had a doctor's appointment, they were hopefully going to find out if they were having a girl, or another boy. Lynn said, "I think they are going to have a sister, just like we had Pey... but I think it would be fun to have a brother. Do you know what kind of brother I would like to have?... a Jonas Brother!!!"
(Thanks Jaclyn and Sophie for that party favor, by the way... she's now Jonas Brother crazy...)
Ashley now picks what she wears by it's "rock star-ness". She'll tell me that she wants to wear a particular shirt because it looks like the kind of shirt a rock star would wear. She'll then tell me, "Mom, I need to wear this shirt, because I'm a rock star."
While in the car yesterday, Ashley said that she was going to still be a rock star when she gets old. Lynn said that she wanted to be a stay at home mom, "Just like you are, huh mom?"
The other day, I spanked Ash (and I've been trying not to...). She cried about it for quite a while. After most of her tears and sniffles were over, she came to me to tell me something she thought was very important...
"When I get to be big and be a mom just like you, I'm not gonna spank my kids' butts... I'm gonna be a nice mom."
I told her to be sure to call me when she ends up spanking her kids' butts because they won't listen, just like she doesn't listen to me.
And while we're on the subject of butts...
While at a new park last weekend, Ash had to use the restroom. I held the door shut while she went, (it was a classy joint, no latches to shut the doors, no toilet paper either...) and then thought I had better go while we were there. As I sat down, Ash remarked, "Whoa! You have a big butt! When I'm a mom like you, will my butt grow that big too?"
She makes me feel so good about myself. ;)

We survived!

Thank goodness it's Friday!!! We have officially survived the first week of kindergarten!
It was a little iffy as to the probability that we would all come away from this week with our sanity still in existence.
The first day, I was unaware of "the pick up" rules. Where you can and cannot drive, and the fact that, if you say you will pick up your child, you have to physically enter the kindergarten area, and pick up your child. Me, getting out Ash and Pey, after finding a parking spot, because I cannot drive into the bus loop, which is ever so conveniently right off the kindergarten door, and walking to go and get Lynn... nah. I had to get schooled by Christie. We made arrangements for her kids to stop at the kindergarten door and snatch Lynn, walk out the catwalk, where I would be waiting. It's great to have such good friends with such awesome kids who are willing to help this first time wreck of a mom!
So, back to "the pick up"... I saw that I couldn't drive down to the kindergarten door, where I told her to meet me, and started to hunt for a spot to park to go and get her. Just then, I see her and her teacher walking around to the front of the school. I honk my horn and wave to let them know that I really am there, get out of the car to go and get her. Lynn was a little upset I could tell. She tried to bolt out into the street to get to me only to have her teacher, who was trying to keep her from getting squished, hold her back. I got across and got her. On our little walk back to the car, I asked her, "How was your first day?" with all the excitement I could exude. She replied sobbing, "It was just awful!"
On the ride home, I asked her what made it awful. She told me that her teacher had gotten upset with her because Lynn was trying to leave when school ended to find me. She told Lynn that she couldn't leave, but the rest of the kids were gone, and she was only trying to follow my instructions. She tried to leave again, and her teacher got a little more stern. That's when she decided to walk with Lynn. So we had a talk about how her teacher has rules that she has to obey, just like Lynn does. We figured out our new pick-up plan, and prayed that the next day would be better.
The next day, we had the pep talk about listening to the rules, doing what we are asked. I went into her class to let her teacher know of our new pick up plan, so we wouldn't have any hurt five-year old feelings.. she then told Lynn to go out to the covered area and wait for class to start, "we still have 15 more minutes..." What!? 15 minutes? It is 11:05, and class starts today at 11:10... where did she get 15 minutes? Go out to the covered area to find more kids and parents waiting... I didn't even know that they were supposed to wait out there, I assumed she'd go into the school, into her classroom, or at least wait in the hallway... this is all weird.
I waited on the other side of the catwalk after school, waiting with as much patience as I could. I was near tears, so excited to see her, it has been harder than I thought having her gone, and hoping that her day was better. As soon as I saw her little head bobbing alongside Hailey, I almost burst into tears! She got to the car, and out came my question. Her answer, "It was terrible." She got in trouble, apparently.
Now you have to understand, I have a sensitive little girl here. A stern look will make her feel like she has killed the beloved family pet. A stern voice will send her running for her life. She is my delicate flower. So to get all of the information out of her is difficult at best. It comes out the way a five-year old understands the world, how she perceives it.
So when I ask her to tell me what she got in trouble for, she tells me that they were in the library, listening to a story, and she went underneath her chair and "the teacher helper" said, now this is good, "Sit up and act like a five year old!" She said that "the teacher helper" said it "very rudely". It made her cry. Her teacher also said "no, no.." and that upset her. But come to find out it was because she was writing a's and h's instead of the c's she was supposed to be writing.
We again, talked about rules. It is a rule to sit in your chair when you are in the library. We are also supposed to do what the teacher asks of us. If she says to draw a square, draw a square not a heart... and so on, and so forth...
I did ask her, "Lynn, how is a five-year old supposed to act?"
She shrugged her shoulders. I told her that no one, has the right to talk to a child like that.
That's what infuriates me the most. There is an adult, who is in a classroom full of kindergartners on their second day of school ever, and they are going to talk like that? They need a reality check. I told Lynn to let me know whenever that "teacher helper" was in her class again. I'll let her have it if she thinks she can be that way to poor, helpless kids. Seriously, what kind of sense does that make? Like there is a set standard for how a five-year old should act?!
Anywhoo...
Yesterday was much better. Lynn told me how she tried extra hard to obey the rules. And today was even better.
I, however, am a little in shock, a little depressed. Where has my easy-going life gone? No sleeping in, and doing whatever needs to be done, whenever it works out. Every day has a schedule, which isn't bad, but having the outside world tell us when to do things and how to do them is hard on me. I am praying for the school day to go by fast, and I am not the one going to school! I miss her. I have been cleaning my heart out to distract myself while she is gone.
Ash starts next week, we went to her pre-school open house today. She is so excited. But to me, there's just one more schedule, one more little one gone, out of my control...
So on to my only one not leaving me... Pey hasn't been sleeping through the night, and when Ash went through this phase, it was because she wasn't getting enough to eat. So I have been trying to be better about cereal and even trying to introduce new foods to her. The first night, rice cereal, which she has loved, and applesauce. She totally gagged on both. It was quite funny, but she really didn't care for it. I know, try try try again... the next night, I attempted oatmeal and some bananas. Same reaction. It really is funny, the expression she makes... but she ended-up gagging till she spit up most of what she had eaten. Then she woke up in the night, hungry. I think the only part of this whole routine she likes is the bath. I'll put her in the kitchen sink or the tub and she loves it! I just need to keep on trying. I just can't take a picky eater... yet one more person's schedule...
All of these schedules, getting kids to bed on time, making sure things get done, I am feeling like I will never scrap again, and wonder when Mer and I will even have time for just us.
And this will be life, for a couple of decades +...

Pey's first jeans...

Check out her cute little booty! Got these jeans at the Old Navy $7 sell... didn't wait in line, got them online instead, same great deal... Love 'em! Still trying to get some good shots of her crawling, but when I whip out the camera, she wants to pose...

We have a kindergartner here!

Last night we said family prayers, then Merrill gave Lynn her first back to school Father's Blessing. It was such a great blessing! He said things that even I didn't think about! She was so cute afterward. She kept hugging and kissing him, thanking him over and over. Then Ash hopped in the spot where Lynn was sitting and said, "My turn now!" So she got one too... then we all went to bed, and had kind of a sleepless night... well, all of us except the person who you would think would be tossing and turning...
Then we woke up this morning with a Kindergartner in our house!
She had the breakfast of champions, Barbie cereal and lemonade...
She took a good bath, had a small struggle to comb out all that hair, and then she picked out her outfit...
She was so excited!
She didn't want me to walk her in, so I just watched from the car, and then cried as Merrill drove away.
I did have an excuse to go back and see her, she forgot her bag of school supplies in the car.
She and Ash both went on and on about how much they would miss one another... let's hope we can all cope...

The hardest thing...

See how excited these two were? Falling asleep in their doorway... I had to tell them the hardest wort news their little world would ever experience...Well, we didn't go to Powell...
And for a good reason. I cannot really explain it all. Most people just wouldn't get it. You can't accurately convey it when you try to type a feeling.
The boat, we heard, wasn't as big as last year's boat, and the count of people going kept rising. I didn't feel good when that count went up. In a conversation that I had with mom, she said the same thing that I was feeling, I hadn't told her that. When she said it, it just cemented my feeling. I just had a really bad feeling about it. I talked with Merrill, and we came to the conclusion, that if the boat was the smaller one, and that many people were getting on, we wouldn't. But I still didn't feel right. I knew that Merrill most likely wouldn't say no, he can't disappoint his dad, and turn around to go home, I needed him to understand how I felt, that we weren't supposed to go. So a lot of praying followed. I kept thinking about how to get him to understand, kept trying to find a reason to help him get it. Then a memory, of right before Peyton was born, came to me. I wrote about it in this post.
I know that I didn't talk to too many people about my real feelings. I felt silly, I thought that others might think that I was crazy. I thought it was all of the hormones leading up to the birth of Peyton. I really felt like something was going to happen to her, something fatal. So when she was born, and everything was fine, I expected those feelings to go away. They didn't. They got pretty bad, worse than I ever thought. I would pray to have Heavenly Father take them away from me, so I could go for just part of the day without feeling that dread. I didn't dare talk about it with Merrill, I didn't want him to think that I was postpartum and crazy. I talked to Brooke about it before Pey was born. She was sweet enough to listen and took me seriously, helped talk me through my feelings. It was such a relief! To have just said it out loud! I already felt a huge burden was relieved. I prayed, asked for some help the night before Merrill was to bless Peyton, I wanted to know what to do, to help me to feel comfort and to take these feelings away. I didn't want these horrific feelings to affect me as a mother. I wanted to enjoy every second with Peyton, not waiting for what horrible things I felt, to happen. After her blessing, I did feel peace. I felt like everything would be okay no matter what. I had to have faith.
Then Josh, a boy in our ward passed away. He passed away when he had a bad seizure in the middle of the night. That was an awful time. While at his funeral, I was a wreck. I felt those feelings, even stronger. I could visualize my family going through that. Every musical number performed, fit the funeral for a sweet little girl. I hated having those feelings. I was so upset that I was even thinking this! It was around that time that I told Christie what I felt. She was just as good as Brooke. She didn't think I was crazy.
Everything that came up having to do with small children being harmed or killed in freak accidents, haunted me. I didn't want to know about those things. But I felt like I needed to prepare myself. I had a conversation with a woman in our ward, whom I highly admire. We were staying after the block for her to get set-apart and began visiting. She began to tell me about her granddaughter who was pretty sick. She is the same age as Lynn. She told me that she knew something was coming, the day her granddaughter was born, the first time she held her, she heard in her head, "You sweet little one, you won't be here for long." She had similar feelings to what I had, "Why would I think that?", "Why am I so morbid?", "Why would I even think that about someone I love?". I started to cry. I told her I understood, I had the same experience. She was shocked, she asked me who, one of my own? I held Peyton, asleep in my arms, and nodded at her. She was very empathetic. She asked me if I had told Merrill. Of course not, I didn't dare. Still. But she got me thinking, I needed to talk to mom.
The next day, I was helping mom on a quilt, I told her about this woman, and then told her about my feelings. She was calm, didn't call me crazy, and helped me sort my way through it. We talked about what was said in Peyton's blessing. We talked about how this could just be a warning, to play it carefully, not to be too comfortable, being a mom for the third time, sometimes I feel like I am not as worried or careful as I should be. But I can remember times when I went a little overboard to ensure Peyton's safety. Now I felt comfort, I felt like I knew what these feelings meant, what they were all about. I finally had the courage to tell Mer.
He was a little shook up. I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal, so he wouldn't freak out more. I told him the conclusion that mom helped me to come to and he seemed satisfied.
I didn't feel those feelings again until this last week.
Now, back to the day we were supposed to leave... First, Lynn and I had her Kindergarten testing to go to, Mer stayed home with the other two. Then, we had plans to get everything packed and ready, and go to the zoo after lunch, come back home, help load up the truck, load up our car, and head just part way there, stopping in Price for the night.
Everything went wrong that day.
Mer got called into work that morning to do a delivery to Huntsville. He left after Lynn and I got back from the school. His drive took him about a half hour away, up the canyon, over the loop, and around the dam. Once he got on his way, Map Quest had given him incorrect directions, and he called me to help guide him there while I studied a map. Then, once he found the house, the mat and safety pad he was told to deliver and set-up, were the wrong shape and size. He had to go back to the warehouse, get the right stuff, and go back. On top of it all, their trampoline wasn't even put together like it was supposed to be. One more thing to take up time.
When he got back to the warehouse, his mom told him to go, we had plans, someone else would have to do it. So he came home. I was frustrated, trying to keep all the kids entertained while I packed-up all by myself. Peyton wouldn't nap at all that day. She wasn't happy, and I was trying to get all of the day-of stuff packed, you know, the hair brushes, toothpaste, toothbrushes... Talked to my mom, told her the plan, still frustrated with my bad feeling, and she told me that she still didn't feel good about it either, but knew we would do the right thing for us. Got lunch fed to the girls while I was still gathering all of the "just in case" items, and I was so frustrated, this shouldn't be taking this long. It was 2 pm, I put everything that I had packed and ready by the door, but still had some more things to gather, water shoes, life jackets... I'd get them when we came back to load up. I had a very distinct prompting to take my nursing cover-up, and some other stuff, extra stuff for the girls. I thought, "We are only going to be gone for a couple of hours, I don't need to take more stuff." We got on our way.
I drove up the wrong street, only to have to drive back to a point I knew to drive up the right way. We were off our schedule, bad. I was trying to relax, we would still have fun. We did have fun at the zoo. We walked all over and saw everything. The kids loved it and me and Mer had a good time too. It was around 5 pm now, and we knew we had to go in order to get where we planned on being for the night. We didn't want to be driving tired down highway 6. We loaded up, and left the zoo.
We got a couple of blocks away form the street we needed to be on to get right on the interstate, and the car started to overheat. Now, we've had this car for ten years, with the only problems ever being the typical stuff, new tires, chips in the windshield... nothing ever major. Once, the radiator cap wasn't put on tight enough after it was serviced and that needed to be put on correctly. But nothing ever really wrong. I knew this was it. This was what was telling us we shouldn't go.
We stopped at a gas station and took a look. The coolant was really low. Mer went in and bought some, and filled the reservoir. We did just what the bottle said to do, but the car kept getting way too hot, so hot, the needle was going off the temperature gauge. We could only drive one block at a time. Lynn even prayed that the car would work so we could get to Lake Powell. The girls were so restless. This sweet corporate guy came out of the Red Lion hotel, going home, and saw the girls in the back seat, us out of the car with the hood up, and gave each of the girls a little stuffed lion. That made them happy. Now I understood why I was prompted to bring extra stuff. I was upset that I didn't listen. Then I began to think of how much worse life would be if I didn't heed this much bigger prompting of not going to Powell.
Mer made a couple of phone calls. He was checking everything he could, fuses, fans, everything. To make this already long story a bit shorter, Dixon came. I took his car home with the girls. It was after 8 pm by then, the girls kept asking about Powell. I didn't want to tell them alone, but I felt like I had to prepare them.
Joe had to come down too, and ended-up towing Merrill and Dixon home. They left the car in front of Smitty's. Dixon told Merrill that we could just take his car, leave ours to get fixed while we were gone. Merrill then went and helped to load that truck. It was after 11 pm when he got home. We stayed up late talking about what we were going to do. He was still trying to get at least him and Lynn to go, to take Dixon's offered car. I still didn't feel good, we needed to be together as a family this weekend. I cried and sobbed out of relief when Mer said we would all stay home together.
It was the hardest thing in the world, I'm sure, for Merrill to tell his dad that we weren't going. He tried to convince Merrill that we should. He even called Smitty's the next morning and told them to fix the car, on him.
Even harder than telling Dixon, was telling Lynn. She wasn't at all happy with us. She ran away form us and hid. It broke my heart.
Just so you understand how hard it was to say we weren't going, I was sick. I was already sickened by the feeling we shouldn't go, but I felt sick thinking of that beautiful place, what everyone would be doing, every hour of the day, and us not being there. That is where our love story began. It is our place.
We found out that the car needed a new radiator. We picked-up the car Friday afternoon. Chad told Mer that it was a fluke thing, it wasn't damaged because of neglect or anything, a rock or something shot up and gauged a pretty big hole through the radiator. A pre-destined rock I do believe.
We filled our weekend with lots of fun family activities. We still were sad to not be at our place.
But it was the right choice.
I know what we avoided. Peyton just kept giving me this look one night while we were driving to one of our outings... a look of total love. It was hard trying to describe it to Mer. But I know what it means.
I was shown what we avoided. I guess I pleaded enough. I know that we shouldn't ask, we should just follow and do as we are told, but after we did obey, I asked. I was shown.
All I can say, those feelings of losing my baby, are gone.
We did the right thing.
I hope someday, the girls will understand.
Every moment with Peyton is that much sweeter now.
Oh, she's crawling too!