project life failure

my intentions were good. oh soooo good!!

I started out strong, just not strong enough.

now I am living with the decisions I made, and trying to catch up!

I set out to do project life, and got some pretty awesome tips to “help” me. some of them ended-up giving me excuses, and thousands of ideas as to why I should just start all over, but I am not. I am sticking to it. I will get there, slowly but surely.

so the things that i have learned, some the hard way, tinged with a smidge of regret, are as follows: (and i learned A LOT from cathy zileski, she is amazing!!)

- pick a template, maybe two, but the fewer the better.

- pick a kit and try to stick to it. there were fun cards and embellishments from my stash that i was able to use to mix it up a bit, but for the most part, too many choices just complicate things for me, and project life is not supposed to be complicated. i actually created a folder on my computer, and titled it "my project life" and copied the supplies i wanted to use continually throughout the album. for the most part, my background paper and fonts stayed the same. so did my template. i also edited my pictures the exact same way every time.

- calendar in a day when you project life it. have that time consistent so it gets done.

- i keep a journal on my phone with the day one app. every day i write about the events of the day, that helps when i go to journal.

- be flexible. i missed a few weeks, and that was hard to go back and fill in the gaps. when life just got too busy, i stopped. i still have catching up to do, and if i just started out being flexible with myself, i wouldn't be there. i also picked one way to start the album, one basic style to stick to, and i just wasn't loving it anymore come march. when you don't love what you are working with, you should be flexible to change it up. i wanted to keep the album cohesive, but i should have allowed myself to be more flexible so i would have stayed excited and in love with the process.

- involve your kids!! that is part of the plan for me this year. let them journal about the day or a certain event. after watching the rebroadcast of project life on creative live, i have so much motivation and new ideas to help keep this ongoing. scanning in kids art and school work is something that i want to implement.

- accountability. i have let my blog go, i don't post in galleries like i used to, and if i did, there would be some accountability. i wouldn't get behind.

I have a few weeks completed from last year, I still have A LOT of catching up to do, but it isn’t hard. two things that saved me: my photo 365 app and my day one journaling app. those were two things I was very consistent about, and now I have both of them to fall back on to fill in the many gaps of 2013.

so where should i start?

let’s see..

it’s been about, 5, almost six months?

that sound right?

yeah, well.

i will try to explain. try.

life kind of came apart back in august. I lived for the end of the summer, tried to fill it with fun and perfect everything for my girls, tried me hardest to make every last minute worth it, for me and for them.

with the girls going back to school, I was plenty emotional. like, that is an understatement. I cannot recall a year that was harder on me.

I mean, it’s always hard, and I always miss them, but this first day, I cried more than I think I ever did.

and it didn’t get any easier the next week when this one went to kindergarten.

along with these already anticipated blows, came another unanticipated blow.

my husband decided that he was done with church.

and I decided to keep it a secret until december. awesome christmas gift, am I right?

I really shouldn’t say that it was unanticipated, because, as I look back on it all (you know, because hindsight is always 20/20 and so forth), there were indications, I was just living in denial. it was either denial or an incredible state of hope.

I also started working.

I swore I would never do that as long as I had kids at home, but circumstances being as they were, I desired a) something to fill my time while peyton was gone for half of the day. and 2) I still wanted to be able to receive the blessings of tithing. I need them.

so as life was as it was, I lost all steam to do those things that make me, me.

I stopped scrapbooking.

stopped taking pictures.

stopped exercising.

stopped blogging.

stopped making treats.

(which was actually a very nice pairing to the whole not exercising bit.)

I stopped doing so many of the things that I thoroughly enjoyed, because I was so sad. I felt hopeless. I felt like everything that I had worked for for the majority of my life was falling apart, it wasn’t perfect, and I didn’t want to put this broken mess out there for the world. not for attention, not for pity, I just didn’t have the energy or the desire.

it sucked.

and as I look back on it all, I can recognize a very depressed girl.

I am trying to turn that around.

I am taking time for myself, trying to make time, and desire, to do the things I have always enjoyed.

don’t get me wrong, those voids were filled with some very good things too. as a side effect of my husband’s choice: my testimony is pretty dang awesome. it is going through this fortification process that is amazing. it is awesome to see how my heavenly father is blessing me in every moment.

I have friends, some I have never met in real life, who encourage me. they have NO IDEA what I am going through, but they are there (bugging me to get back at it.. ahem.. missy). I have friends from my past, just show up at just the right time, able to say just what I need to hear, not having a clue the blessing they are to me.

and let’s not get started on family. I have THE BEST. my dad and brothers have been ready to come and help me and my girls when we need the priesthood. my in-laws are wonderful and supportive and loving. my sweet sister-in-law (one of those sweet sisters-in-law anyway) told me back in december that I needed to start blogging again. she said something like, “you aren’t the only woman that is going through this. imagine the strength you can be to them, and them to you.”

I know I am not alone.

I really didn’t intend for this to be a tell-all of the drama in the pitcher house.

I just needed to do it, and stop putting it off.

I have a whole list in my head, all the reasons to wait. take new pictures of the girls.. make a new header.. get a few more project life layouts done. try to think of anything more to say than the despair and sadness I feel so often….

but I'm here.

and it feels pretty darn good.