it’s been about, 5, almost six months?
that sound right?
i will try to explain. try.
life kind of came apart back in august. I lived for the end of the summer, tried to fill it with fun and perfect everything for my girls, tried me hardest to make every last minute worth it, for me and for them.
with the girls going back to school, I was plenty emotional. like, that is an understatement. I cannot recall a year that was harder on me.
I mean, it’s always hard, and I always miss them, but this first day, I cried more than I think I ever did.
and it didn’t get any easier the next week when this one went to kindergarten.
along with these already anticipated blows, came another unanticipated blow.
my husband decided that he was done with church.
and I decided to keep it a secret until december. awesome christmas gift, am I right?
I really shouldn’t say that it was unanticipated, because, as I look back on it all (you know, because hindsight is always 20/20 and so forth), there were indications, I was just living in denial. it was either denial or an incredible state of hope.
I also started working.
I swore I would never do that as long as I had kids at home, but circumstances being as they were, I desired a) something to fill my time while peyton was gone for half of the day. and 2) I still wanted to be able to receive the blessings of tithing. I need them.
so as life was as it was, I lost all steam to do those things that make me, me.
I stopped scrapbooking.
stopped taking pictures.
stopped making treats.
(which was actually a very nice pairing to the whole not exercising bit.)
I stopped doing so many of the things that I thoroughly enjoyed, because I was so sad. I felt hopeless. I felt like everything that I had worked for for the majority of my life was falling apart, it wasn’t perfect, and I didn’t want to put this broken mess out there for the world. not for attention, not for pity, I just didn’t have the energy or the desire.
and as I look back on it all, I can recognize a very depressed girl.
I am trying to turn that around.
I am taking time for myself, trying to make time, and desire, to do the things I have always enjoyed.
don’t get me wrong, those voids were filled with some very good things too. as a side effect of my husband’s choice: my testimony is pretty dang awesome. it is going through this fortification process that is amazing. it is awesome to see how my heavenly father is blessing me in every moment.
I have friends, some I have never met in real life, who encourage me. they have NO IDEA what I am going through, but they are there (bugging me to get back at it.. ahem.. missy). I have friends from my past, just show up at just the right time, able to say just what I need to hear, not having a clue the blessing they are to me.
and let’s not get started on family. I have THE BEST. my dad and brothers have been ready to come and help me and my girls when we need the priesthood. my in-laws are wonderful and supportive and loving. my sweet sister-in-law (one of those sweet sisters-in-law anyway) told me back in december that I needed to start blogging again. she said something like, “you aren’t the only woman that is going through this. imagine the strength you can be to them, and them to you.”
I know I am not alone.
I really didn’t intend for this to be a tell-all of the drama in the pitcher house.
I just needed to do it, and stop putting it off.
I have a whole list in my head, all the reasons to wait. take new pictures of the girls.. make a new header.. get a few more project life layouts done. try to think of anything more to say than the despair and sadness I feel so often….
but I'm here.
and it feels pretty darn good.