Doctor's visitS...

Emphasis on the "S" there..
It's no secret, I haven't been feeling well lately and just to prove it, I went to the doctor twice, in two days.
It has been a puzzling illness..  but as I researched my symptoms repeatedly (until my computer decided it didn't want to anymore..) it kept coming back to me that it was something with my ears.
I kept brushing it off, because some days, I would wake up, and despite a little dizziness, I would feel fine.
Other mornings, I would get up, and feel awful.
It was quite puzzling.
I really wanted to just get back at life, and I think that was part of the problem, I was pushing myself into it.  I confirmed I was not preggers, and went on wondering what would make me feel this way.
After missing church the previous Sunday, I decided I was not going to miss it this last Sunday.
That was bad.
Sitting in RS for that 45 minutes was awful, but two (three now that I think of it) separate conversations there, again pointed to something with my inner ear.
Julie kept the girls there, and Merrill took me to the doctor.
We got to wait 45 minutes to see our favorite (read the major sarcasm here) doctor, and was basically told that I had what I originally though I had, Benign Positional Vertigo, this decided after making me prove how off my balance was during a bunch of ridiculous tests.
His remedy, the aforementioned Meclizine and get this, PHYSICAL THERAPY.
That would require both time and money, two things that are not in abundance this time of the year..
Not to mention, that had nothing to do with what my gut was telling me.
I kept bringing up the possibility of an infection, to which he basically brushed off, and told me there was no way to tell unless they did an MRI (cha-ching!)..  I was near tears. 
Before he left the room to get the prescription, he asked if I had hoped the outcome would be different, if there was anything that I had thought was lacking.
Why does he open the door for me to tell him he is an idiot?
I didn't say anything.
I will accept the pats on my back...  now.
He came back and handed me the prescription, Merrill the referral to the physical therapist, and again asked why I looked so sad.
Um..  could it be because I have been dealing with this for over a week, and I feel like I am not being listened to, instead brushed off?  Oh, and by the way, I would like to have my life back, instead of appointments with a physical therapist to teach me exercises on balance and to make sure I hadn't had a stroke.
His words.
It didn't look like I had, but it wasn't entirely impossible at my age.
Does he KNOW what he is doing?
After getting me home, and in bed, crying, Merrill left to take care of the prescription.  He got back just in time for Julie and Nate as they dropped the girls off and I got some food and drugs then was wiped out.
That is one of the major side-effects of the Meclizine, drowsiness.
How am I going to get better with that?
I wasn't.
The next day, I woke up feeling dizzy, drowsy, and still that nausea.  The Meclizine is supposed to take dizziness and nausea away.
I was also feeling frustrated, did I mention that?
I called to get an appointment with anyone but HIM, and managed to get an appointment with a doctor that was in the same office as my primary doctor.
The receptionist asked what I was being seen for, and when I told her the brief overview, she said, "Are you serious?" 
Yup.
Needless to say, I got in, had this doctor spend more time than ANYONE ever has with me, going over every possible reason this could be going on.  My ears have never been examined so much in my life.  He suspected an infection, sent me with a couple of different prescriptions and hope.
With some more inside information from my mother-in-law as to the wonders of Advil Cold an Sinus, information from her ENT (NOT a physical therapist...) I am doing SO much better today.
I am back at life, FINALLY, and able to function.
I am thankful to have my crappy insurance, thankful that I listened to the promptings I was given, and thankful to those who have been so helpful.
Now can anyone help me with all the laundry I need to catch up on? ;)

No coincidence..

Today wasn't different from any other Sunday..
Okay, other than the fact that Merrill had sharing time today, I had a lesson, and we had to get to church a little early.  That fact, paired with the previous day's storm, made this Sabbath that much more exciting than the norm.
We were all ready to go, right on time for my taste, all loading in the car, I was the last one out, so I shut the door.
But we didn't have the keys.
I assumed that Merrill had grabbed them as he was the one who exited the house first, and was loading up the girls.
I had the diaper bag, my books, and a metal tote (I teach women, I have to have visual aids..) so needless to say, I was hoping he'd grabbed them right along with my assumption that he had.
He didn't..  obviously. 

What were we to do? 
We were just on time, not much time was left for walking, especially in the ice and snow.
Especially not with all the things we both were carrying for our assignments.
Not with three emotional little girls who would have made it the most pleasant walk EVER.
Merrill was ready to walk.  My mind was worrying about the whining and what we would do AFTER church.
He had a solution, but asked me if we really didn't have an extra key hidden anywhere.
(We learned that lesson at the old house...)
Kicking myself, and trying to come up with an explanation of why I hadn't taken care of that task with one of the SEVEN keys they left us, I realized...
There were some in the bag I happened to make the diaper bag that day.
I had put them there WEEKS ago, for no reason I can explain.
It was a "just in case" moment.
A prompting.
We were blessed today.
Big or small, there are no coincidences.
We got to church in time to set up what we needed to, able to relax and gather thoughts, prepare..
All because I did something that made no sense at the time.

Treats..

Today, I got to go sit in Merrill's primary class with him (two deep thing..).
Usually, when I go in his class with him, the kiddos all ooh and ahh at Miss Peyton, not so much excitement over me.. but today, a little boy in his class, showed some excitement over me.
"It's been YEARS since I have seen YOU Mindy!"
Even though I would see him almost every day, after school walking with his sister, it must seem like years considering he spent almost everyday (minus weekends) at my house for a good year out of his little life.
He got up in sacrament meeting to bring me a little treat...


I love it!
It got me thinking about little promptings, feelings, impressions we have, that prepare us.
Summer of 2006, I was at Albertson's, seeing what that week's 10 for $10 had in store for me and my food storage. Fruit snacks were on special, and because my kids especially love fruit snacks, boxes of them were welcomed into my cart. I felt the urge to grab a box of Superman snacks. It hit me as funny (funny peculiar, not funny haha..) that I would have this feeling. Anyone who knows my girls, knows that they are more girlie than anything. Ashley hadn't fallen in love with superheroes, yet. It was a strange urge indeed. I didn't fight it, didn't try to explain it, I just followed my "urge".
As I was home, putting away the newly acquired food storage items, the phone rang.
It was a good friend, in need of help.
She was going back to school, but needing someone to care for her son, same age as Lynn, while he wasn't at pre-school. Did I know anyone who could do that?
Yup.
Me.
So strange that I would feel that "urge" to buy Superman snacks, that very day. I should probably mention how much this little guy loves his superheroes. :)
I will not lie, that was in many ways, a hard year for our family. There were adjustments that were constantly being made, re-programming when this boy would return from a weekend with his dad, but entirely worth it.
What a blessing it was at that time in our family's life.
Funny, what thoughts flood your brain just by looking at a little treat.
I am thankful for "urges", promptings, impressions, what ever you may call them.
I am more thankful when I follow-through or act upon them.
It is a lesson that has repeatedly been taught to me, when something is important to me, no matter how dumb and unimportant it may seem, if it is important to me, it is important to my Heavenly Father too. He'll see that I have all the help I need. It goes for all of us.
These thoughts were re-affirmed after sacrament meeting as I visited with a few people I admire so much, I look up to them, I love them dearly. They related experiences, circumstances and concerns that some might think of as small in relation to other cares, but important to them personally. People, thoughts, ideas, or combinations of these, were placed in their paths at just the right time, to help them. It happens all around us, everyday. Some people call these "coincidences", I think they are something else, from somewhere higher.
God is indeed, good.

Just being a mom...

I am slowly adjusting to this new crazy schedule. Running kids here and there, doing homework (!?!), reading, keeping up on my own chores... and just trying to squeeze in enough fun. Some fun stuff going on...
Lynn is reading! I must admit they are only her sight words, but she knows them! It's happy and sad all at the same time, seeing her grow so much.
A week (?) ago, I French braided Lynn's hair for the first time! It turned out better than I thought. I just need to pull in more hair evenly... it was a little chunky. Now all I need is some practice... if only I could convince her to let me... maybe a yummy treat to occupy her.
She loved the waves the next day after we took out the braids.
Speaking of yummy treats...
The other day while getting Lynn, Peyton was not being her happy self. I was trying everything! Toys, books, songs... everything. I started to rummage for something that would be new and exciting. I came across a dum-dum from the bank in the cup holder. Bingo! Happy happy girl. It's bonuses all around for her, she gets a yummy, sticky, sweet treat, and she gets a bath after she's done. She loves those baths!
She also proved her Pitcher girl-ness at lunch the other day. We were all talking, and she was in her highchair, trying to get in her own word. She must have learned from two other examples, because she grabbed either side of her tray, threw her head back, and screamed! We all got quiet, and she looked at us with the most satisfied grin. Another squealer...
Merrill stuck Ashley's glasses on Pey the other night and it was like she was in a whole new world, everything being tinted blue... she's so fun!
And Ash...
The joys of a preschooler dressing herself...
I managed to convince her that it was slightly too warm for pants WITH the skirt, and the sweater would be much better on a cold day... isn't she darling though?
I went to Macey's case lot sale. Mom and Dad give us a gift card every year for Christmas to spend there on food storage. So I watch for the case lot sale to get the best deals. I went with Ash and Pey while Lynn was in school. I didn't want to carry my purse, cause hello, it's the CASE LOT SALE... a purse would just take up valuable cart space! So I stuck my gift card and debit card, just in case, in my back pocket. I had a thought, "You're gonna lose it there." I ignored it. Uh, guess what happened... I lost it. My debit card stayed in place, but that gift card, gone. I went back to the only place where I had bent down to pick up Peyton's toy and before I could get there, I saw a stock boy and asked him if he'd happened to see my gift card. He said no, but I told him where I was when I had bent over. He found it, thank heavens! But I will never ignore a simple thought like that again.
I got lots of good stuff... I came home to unpack it, I can stack it nicer if I unpack the cases, and I am so glad I did! 7 out of 24 cans of kidney beans were empty! So I got to take them back, to the amazement of the staff at Macey's, and exchange them for cans with beans in them.
While I got a lot of good stuff, I didn't get as much as I did last year with the same amount of money. That just goes to show where the economy is...
Let's not even get started on that.

The hardest thing...

See how excited these two were? Falling asleep in their doorway... I had to tell them the hardest wort news their little world would ever experience...Well, we didn't go to Powell...
And for a good reason. I cannot really explain it all. Most people just wouldn't get it. You can't accurately convey it when you try to type a feeling.
The boat, we heard, wasn't as big as last year's boat, and the count of people going kept rising. I didn't feel good when that count went up. In a conversation that I had with mom, she said the same thing that I was feeling, I hadn't told her that. When she said it, it just cemented my feeling. I just had a really bad feeling about it. I talked with Merrill, and we came to the conclusion, that if the boat was the smaller one, and that many people were getting on, we wouldn't. But I still didn't feel right. I knew that Merrill most likely wouldn't say no, he can't disappoint his dad, and turn around to go home, I needed him to understand how I felt, that we weren't supposed to go. So a lot of praying followed. I kept thinking about how to get him to understand, kept trying to find a reason to help him get it. Then a memory, of right before Peyton was born, came to me. I wrote about it in this post.
I know that I didn't talk to too many people about my real feelings. I felt silly, I thought that others might think that I was crazy. I thought it was all of the hormones leading up to the birth of Peyton. I really felt like something was going to happen to her, something fatal. So when she was born, and everything was fine, I expected those feelings to go away. They didn't. They got pretty bad, worse than I ever thought. I would pray to have Heavenly Father take them away from me, so I could go for just part of the day without feeling that dread. I didn't dare talk about it with Merrill, I didn't want him to think that I was postpartum and crazy. I talked to Brooke about it before Pey was born. She was sweet enough to listen and took me seriously, helped talk me through my feelings. It was such a relief! To have just said it out loud! I already felt a huge burden was relieved. I prayed, asked for some help the night before Merrill was to bless Peyton, I wanted to know what to do, to help me to feel comfort and to take these feelings away. I didn't want these horrific feelings to affect me as a mother. I wanted to enjoy every second with Peyton, not waiting for what horrible things I felt, to happen. After her blessing, I did feel peace. I felt like everything would be okay no matter what. I had to have faith.
Then Josh, a boy in our ward passed away. He passed away when he had a bad seizure in the middle of the night. That was an awful time. While at his funeral, I was a wreck. I felt those feelings, even stronger. I could visualize my family going through that. Every musical number performed, fit the funeral for a sweet little girl. I hated having those feelings. I was so upset that I was even thinking this! It was around that time that I told Christie what I felt. She was just as good as Brooke. She didn't think I was crazy.
Everything that came up having to do with small children being harmed or killed in freak accidents, haunted me. I didn't want to know about those things. But I felt like I needed to prepare myself. I had a conversation with a woman in our ward, whom I highly admire. We were staying after the block for her to get set-apart and began visiting. She began to tell me about her granddaughter who was pretty sick. She is the same age as Lynn. She told me that she knew something was coming, the day her granddaughter was born, the first time she held her, she heard in her head, "You sweet little one, you won't be here for long." She had similar feelings to what I had, "Why would I think that?", "Why am I so morbid?", "Why would I even think that about someone I love?". I started to cry. I told her I understood, I had the same experience. She was shocked, she asked me who, one of my own? I held Peyton, asleep in my arms, and nodded at her. She was very empathetic. She asked me if I had told Merrill. Of course not, I didn't dare. Still. But she got me thinking, I needed to talk to mom.
The next day, I was helping mom on a quilt, I told her about this woman, and then told her about my feelings. She was calm, didn't call me crazy, and helped me sort my way through it. We talked about what was said in Peyton's blessing. We talked about how this could just be a warning, to play it carefully, not to be too comfortable, being a mom for the third time, sometimes I feel like I am not as worried or careful as I should be. But I can remember times when I went a little overboard to ensure Peyton's safety. Now I felt comfort, I felt like I knew what these feelings meant, what they were all about. I finally had the courage to tell Mer.
He was a little shook up. I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal, so he wouldn't freak out more. I told him the conclusion that mom helped me to come to and he seemed satisfied.
I didn't feel those feelings again until this last week.
Now, back to the day we were supposed to leave... First, Lynn and I had her Kindergarten testing to go to, Mer stayed home with the other two. Then, we had plans to get everything packed and ready, and go to the zoo after lunch, come back home, help load up the truck, load up our car, and head just part way there, stopping in Price for the night.
Everything went wrong that day.
Mer got called into work that morning to do a delivery to Huntsville. He left after Lynn and I got back from the school. His drive took him about a half hour away, up the canyon, over the loop, and around the dam. Once he got on his way, Map Quest had given him incorrect directions, and he called me to help guide him there while I studied a map. Then, once he found the house, the mat and safety pad he was told to deliver and set-up, were the wrong shape and size. He had to go back to the warehouse, get the right stuff, and go back. On top of it all, their trampoline wasn't even put together like it was supposed to be. One more thing to take up time.
When he got back to the warehouse, his mom told him to go, we had plans, someone else would have to do it. So he came home. I was frustrated, trying to keep all the kids entertained while I packed-up all by myself. Peyton wouldn't nap at all that day. She wasn't happy, and I was trying to get all of the day-of stuff packed, you know, the hair brushes, toothpaste, toothbrushes... Talked to my mom, told her the plan, still frustrated with my bad feeling, and she told me that she still didn't feel good about it either, but knew we would do the right thing for us. Got lunch fed to the girls while I was still gathering all of the "just in case" items, and I was so frustrated, this shouldn't be taking this long. It was 2 pm, I put everything that I had packed and ready by the door, but still had some more things to gather, water shoes, life jackets... I'd get them when we came back to load up. I had a very distinct prompting to take my nursing cover-up, and some other stuff, extra stuff for the girls. I thought, "We are only going to be gone for a couple of hours, I don't need to take more stuff." We got on our way.
I drove up the wrong street, only to have to drive back to a point I knew to drive up the right way. We were off our schedule, bad. I was trying to relax, we would still have fun. We did have fun at the zoo. We walked all over and saw everything. The kids loved it and me and Mer had a good time too. It was around 5 pm now, and we knew we had to go in order to get where we planned on being for the night. We didn't want to be driving tired down highway 6. We loaded up, and left the zoo.
We got a couple of blocks away form the street we needed to be on to get right on the interstate, and the car started to overheat. Now, we've had this car for ten years, with the only problems ever being the typical stuff, new tires, chips in the windshield... nothing ever major. Once, the radiator cap wasn't put on tight enough after it was serviced and that needed to be put on correctly. But nothing ever really wrong. I knew this was it. This was what was telling us we shouldn't go.
We stopped at a gas station and took a look. The coolant was really low. Mer went in and bought some, and filled the reservoir. We did just what the bottle said to do, but the car kept getting way too hot, so hot, the needle was going off the temperature gauge. We could only drive one block at a time. Lynn even prayed that the car would work so we could get to Lake Powell. The girls were so restless. This sweet corporate guy came out of the Red Lion hotel, going home, and saw the girls in the back seat, us out of the car with the hood up, and gave each of the girls a little stuffed lion. That made them happy. Now I understood why I was prompted to bring extra stuff. I was upset that I didn't listen. Then I began to think of how much worse life would be if I didn't heed this much bigger prompting of not going to Powell.
Mer made a couple of phone calls. He was checking everything he could, fuses, fans, everything. To make this already long story a bit shorter, Dixon came. I took his car home with the girls. It was after 8 pm by then, the girls kept asking about Powell. I didn't want to tell them alone, but I felt like I had to prepare them.
Joe had to come down too, and ended-up towing Merrill and Dixon home. They left the car in front of Smitty's. Dixon told Merrill that we could just take his car, leave ours to get fixed while we were gone. Merrill then went and helped to load that truck. It was after 11 pm when he got home. We stayed up late talking about what we were going to do. He was still trying to get at least him and Lynn to go, to take Dixon's offered car. I still didn't feel good, we needed to be together as a family this weekend. I cried and sobbed out of relief when Mer said we would all stay home together.
It was the hardest thing in the world, I'm sure, for Merrill to tell his dad that we weren't going. He tried to convince Merrill that we should. He even called Smitty's the next morning and told them to fix the car, on him.
Even harder than telling Dixon, was telling Lynn. She wasn't at all happy with us. She ran away form us and hid. It broke my heart.
Just so you understand how hard it was to say we weren't going, I was sick. I was already sickened by the feeling we shouldn't go, but I felt sick thinking of that beautiful place, what everyone would be doing, every hour of the day, and us not being there. That is where our love story began. It is our place.
We found out that the car needed a new radiator. We picked-up the car Friday afternoon. Chad told Mer that it was a fluke thing, it wasn't damaged because of neglect or anything, a rock or something shot up and gauged a pretty big hole through the radiator. A pre-destined rock I do believe.
We filled our weekend with lots of fun family activities. We still were sad to not be at our place.
But it was the right choice.
I know what we avoided. Peyton just kept giving me this look one night while we were driving to one of our outings... a look of total love. It was hard trying to describe it to Mer. But I know what it means.
I was shown what we avoided. I guess I pleaded enough. I know that we shouldn't ask, we should just follow and do as we are told, but after we did obey, I asked. I was shown.
All I can say, those feelings of losing my baby, are gone.
We did the right thing.
I hope someday, the girls will understand.
Every moment with Peyton is that much sweeter now.
Oh, she's crawling too!