some of the perks of being “mom”.

being home with my kids is what I have always wanted, ever since I was small.  there are days, when I know I have reached my limit, and kind of sort of want to run away, and I am then reminded that an event will more than likely transpire in my life within the next couple of days that will generally explain why I had a hormonal freak-out.

(hopefully it will also explain why that last sentence was a doosy.)

I told merrill the other night, after a really perfect day of being mom, that I really didn’t want to rub it in, but being mom is the best.

my day started out like any other, getting kids up, feeding them, policing the getting dressed routine, getting them off to school (on time), and so forth.  then it was my turn to get ready for the day.

if you are privy to the art of straightening hair, especially long-ish hair, you are aware that it can be a process.  I am used to this chore, and so is sweet peyton.

she knows that we will not be going anywhere or doing anything until it is taken care of, and she finds ways to entertain herself, and me too.

she got on a kick a while ago, a kick all about mammals.

it started with her asking what breastfeeding was, and eventually led to talk of other creatures that feed their young this way.

enter the mammal.

so we started listing animals, categorizing certain attributes (fur, hair, or feathers..), and would narrow them down to mammals.

as we drove around that day, that was the bulk of our communication.  as we shopped for our groceries, that was what got brought up.  it got downright silly. 

she sees a can of peas.

“do peas have feathers?”

(giggle giggle..)

so this fun child of mine remembered this activity as I started the process of straightening my hair the other day, and ran out of my bathroom.  when she returned, she had her bin of “little people” + animals in tow.

one by one, she brought out those animals, and we started naming attributes, and categorizing.

she is such a fun, bright child.  the fact that she remembers so much kind of scares me at times, but it will be a good thing someday.

it’s moments like these, small and what seem to be pretty unimportant, that make me so thankful that I get to be home with her.

no coincidence.

I don’t believe in coincidence.

it’s no secret that I have not been feeling well.  posts composed at 1 in the a.m. usually divulge too much information.  but it’s not just that.

I have three kids.  three girls to be exact, and while it is a terrible mess of emotions, fun, and happy times, it is also entirely too stressful for my own good.

every day there is some kind of sister or girl drama. 

there is homework, some that drives a mom to think horrible thoughts about what to do with sharp pencils and orifices in their own head.

(the only thing that could possibly be worse than the third grade homework packet would be what will take place next year, which will inevitably be second and fourth grade homework packets.  ugh.)

then there are the other normal, everyday type stuffs:  cooking, cleaning, laundry, mending, ironing (which someone has taken-up again after their husband was spoiled on his last trip and had dress shirts starched and ironed.), bathing, fixing four heads of hair (sometimes repeatedly throughout the course of an ordinary day), not to mention any other task or need that arises any given day.  you know, all the normal “mom stuff”.

then there’s the list of stuff I “should be doing” or the stuff that I do, just not often enough.

we pray as a family daily.

we don’t hold family home evening, well, a structured one, often enough.

we don’t read the scriptures, unless it is during a structured family home evening (which I have already stated, is not held often enough).

I should also be helping my third grader more than I already am with “homework” type things, like memorizing times tables and junk.  I have my list of excuses as to why we don’t take more time doing that as regularly as we should, it does have something to do with family time, homework, tumbling, getting in reading minutes, and allowing my kid be a kid.  needless to say, she isn’t having the easiest time, and that is only aggravated by the situation in her classroom. 

there are some punk kids in there.

it doesn’t help that she is so easily distracted in the first place, but to have boys that I would like to discipline myself, causing problems and distractions daily in her class, makes a difficult situation that much harder for her.

the other day, feeling tired, drained, quite emotional, and not at the best health-wise, my best friend allowed me to cry to her for more than a few minutes (on the phone, where she would be at a safe distance from the plague, you know).

I let out my feelings of inadequacy.  how I feel that I am not doing enough, but equally frustrated with how+where to find the time to do all of the things I should, forget what I “want” to do at this point.  I worry about the state that our world is in today, about best protecting my girls, teaching them what they need to know to be safe, successful, and happy.

I know what I need to do, and feel guilty that I haven’t been doing it regularly.  I have been shorting them.

I beat myself up for a while.

then, quite timely, the next morning, my dear mother, who chastises me so well, posted this on facebook:

I feel a bit better, not so bad about myself, but hopeful that I can do just what I need to, and that I will have some heavenly help on my side.

thank you mom.

the day dictionary.com helped me be a good mom.

so we’ll just say that there has a lot been going on around these parts.  sure, sure, you have most likely been busy too.  whatever.

but there was this one day, roughly two weeks ago (I know cause my antibiotic just ran out..) and ash was home from school after having a bad night, trying to sleep with a sinus headache.

(yeah, I am sure that I am in the running for mother of the year for that story.)

so, being sleep deprived and not feeling too well, she was understandably a bit emotional as well.  she came and snuggled in my lap, and started to tell me how she was sad and didn’t like going to school, that kids were mean to her, one kid in particular.

the situation was one that some might not think too serious, but in our family, there are certain words, language that is not acceptable.  in our home, we try to have an atmosphere of love, and we just don’t say certain things.

so this kid was apparently telling ashley that she was stupid and also an idiot.

(so here’s a tangent for your enjoyment, merrill and I still find occasion to use these words, when they fit, but we don’t say these words, we have changed them just a smidge so the kiddos don’t catch on, and if they do use them, nobody else knows what the crap they are talking about.  stupid = stubbid and idiot = idjuwit.)

I knew that it wouldn’t be enough to simply tell her, “well, you aren’t.”  I sat there, trying to keep my anger in check, my knee-jerk reaction from coming out first, and thought about what my response to her should really be.  we’d had problems with this kid previously, and I was trying to be wise in my approach, not wanting to dredge up past incidences and tell her that basically this kid was just what they were calling her.

then the thought hit me.

use the dictionary.

it’s an approach I’ve taken with lynn recently while doing homework, I make her work out the bulk of it instead giving her all the answers, telling her what or how things are.

(oh, and she loves it!!)

(that was sarcasm by the way.  it has been a while, I was afraid you forgot what my sarcasm sounded like!)

so we went to dictionary.com and looked up each word.  as I read the definitions to each one, I asked her, “are you any of those things?”

“no.”

“then you don’t worry about what anyone else says to you.  you know you are not those things.”

it worked.

and that is the story of how dictionary.com helped me to be a better mom.

oh, and it was also pretty great of me to go and talk to her teacher about the problem.  her teacher is a saint!

Day 3.

As this day is ending, as all three are asleep in their beds, I reflect back on this day and find myself so grateful for so many things..  look at these three.  What isn’t there to be thankful for?

I am thankful to be able to be home with them.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity of spending time, alone, with each one of them (even though it will never be enough for either of us).

I am thankful that I get to go to school with Ashley one day, every week.

I am thankful for the time I get to be with just Peyton every day.

I am thankful for Lynn and all the “talk time” we get.

I am thankful for the confidence I feel in being a mother.

I am thankful for their giggles.

I am thankful to be there when they learn something new.

I am thankful that they play together.

I am thankful that they show each other love.

I am thankful for the drama, because then there are the sweet “I am sorries”, the tender hugs and the “I love yous”.  If it’s Peyton who was the offender or the offendee, there is a kiss involved too.

I am thankful when I hear of good choices they have made.  I realize that I am doing something right when another parent tells me something kind one of my girls has done.

I am thankful to be their mother.

Only a Dozen or so..

This week, I was fortunate enough to have a house-full.

Between friends, there was a little get-away one husband coordinated for a wedding anniversary, and I happened to be the first to say yes to the needed childcare.  There was also another slight family emergency with another friend, and I had 3 more added upon our little temporary brood.

It was heaven.

(Merrill might disagree.)

I had three little boys playing cars/airplanes together which made my heart yearn for three little boys of the like to play cars/airplanes on my wood floors every day.

I had five doing homework simultaneously at the countertop.

Afterschool snacks were in abundance, and I felt like a good mom with my Clementine's, apples, and sugar cookies piled high with frosting to offer them.

It wasn’t until dinnertime, when the doorbell rang, and only two who were my actual offspring joined me in their excitement at the door.  The pizza lady brought us a bounty of warm, cheesy goodness.

“Wow!  I hope that you can handle all of this food.   Will you each eat one?”  She asked #2 and #3.

“We have plenty here to eat all of this.”

“How many do you have here?”

“Oh, a dozen or so.”

“They aren’t all yours..  are they?  You are too young to have 12 kids.”  She was alarmed and didn’t hide it.

“No.  But I love them all like they were.”

It was a fun night, I loved the back yard all a bustle with many children, but I was thankful for my recovery night last night with only three.

They are mine.

Just a step away from yesterday’s hormonal explosion. :)

I am blessed daily with the knowledge that these three sweeties are mine..

There are days, I have to admit, that I wonder if they are really a part of me.

I was conscious for each pregnancy in it’s entirety.  There is no question about that.  It is just that they arrived looking JUST LIKE THEIR DAD.

Really.

Exhibit A:

They still heavily resemble him.

Exhibit B:

So I am thoroughly relieved  when moments like these present themselves:

This is Peyton’s newest found fun activity.

Just trying to get laughs (and generally be gross).

Just like me! :)

Lynn came home from school the other day so excited because she beat some boys while running on the track at school, she was wearing flip flops.

Sounds like someone else I know. ;)

I don’t think we have ever really questioned the fact that Ashley is part me, but she has been demonstrating it more frequently in her art projects.

Quite the life I live, and I am thankful for it!

Realizations..

Have you ever had one of those moments, where you realize something that you already knew, but it seems new to you?
I had one today.
It was after my PTA Executive ;) Board Meeting, I am historian for PTA this school year, and as I was enjoying a cup of home made chicken noodle soup for my lunch, I got thinking:
I am living my dream.
Duh..
I already knew that.
I know that.
It was just one of those moments, where I flashback (so appropriate for Friday, eh?) to a time not too long ago..
High school, or newlywed years, pre-child days..
Wishing and hoping for the day to come when I would be a mom, and not just any mom, a stay at home mom..
Baking cookies.
Cleaning my home.
Sewing dresses and Halloween costumes.
Snuggling up to watch Sesame Street.
Cooking dinners.
Reading stories to my babies.
Playing go fish and war.. even Candyland, but some days I have changed my mind about that one, unless I stack the cards. ;)
Holding a sleeping child for just a bit longer.
Putting together classroom parties...
And going to PTA meetings.
I am indeed, living my dream.
I realized something else that I already knew, but had my eyes opened to the fact today..
Peyton isn't my baby anymore..
As I got out her clothes for the day, I was watching her, standing at her window in nothing but her diaper..
She is getting longer, and thinner. Her tummy and little thighs aren't so chubby anymore. She is talking and interacting more and more with us.
She just isn't my baby.
My feelings were reaffirmed when Merrill saw her and made the comment, "She is getting so long!"
Now if I could get him on the same page as my other thoughts...
Getting another baby here. ;)

Something broke..

As I was driving away from dropping the girls off at the parade start point (more to come on that..), I drove behind, then past the hospital.
Something fell.
Then I could swear I heard a shatter.
It was my heart.
I knew I would have times when this particular phase of family planning, would feel more like a punch to the stomach, I just thought that the worst (for this week anyway) had passed for now.
But, no.
The hospital where I had doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, and eventually gave birth, stared me down, looked me right in the eyes, and brought with it all of those memories.
My mind, and eyes that are directly linked, were a flood of emotion.
So many thoughts and feelings hit all at once...
Every detail of being pregnant..
Labor.
Delivery.
Feeling the baby latch-on.. the toe-curling.
Memories that I want to re-create, over and over and over again.
I would have as many children as I possibly could, physically and mentally ;).
I would be pregnant forever!
Yearning..
As I think about all of this, I realize how blessed I am to have these experiences, to have the memories. Some don't even get that in this life.
Ah.. the millennium..
Anyone want to join my new club?
"Mommies that don't want to quit" or how about the: "I just took down the crib and am brimming with emotion: support group?
Really..
This too shall pass.

Just for Mother's Day.. I am sure..

We had a wonderful Mother's Day.. but due to the fact that I left my purse (camera inside) at my in-law's house, I did not manage to get any darling pics of me and my girls this year..
We did have quite the interesting weekend though, all of it culminating on the special day. :)
It all began on Friday night.
Friday's at our house are WooHoo!! nights. We let the girls sleep wherever they want. The place of choice usually ends-up being the family room in the basement. We inflate the air bed, let them stay up watching movies, and usually have a special treat for them to eat down there.
The one side effect of this night is that neither of them end up getting the benefit of a full night's sleep.
That takes us through one heck of a Saturday, the day before Mother's day, and all of it's preparation.
Fun.
Two tired sisters.
Super fun.
Saturday night we went to the school and threw around the ol' softball, and hit a few, just for some fun practice.. consequently wore out two of the three girls. There, I demonstrated my fine mothering skills.. they had been neglected of a nutritiously balanced lunch earlier in the day, and feasted instead on handi-snacks and rice crispie bars. Werther's served as both appetizer and dessert. So, to try to make up for my lack of feeding them, I fed them an even more nutritious Wendy's kids meals for dinner, which was at 8:30 pm.
But oh, it gets better..
Peyton had been running around all day in a summer romper. Very cute little ruffled bottom on it and no sleeves, it was perfect for the heat of the daytime, not so much the chill of an early May evening, outside.
"No problem," I think, "you still have her jacket in the bag from the last game."
As she shivers in the evening chill, lips quivering and all, while they turn a slight purple, I go to the bag..
Nope. No jacket.
I am a great mother, I think.
Even greater than that, we get the girls home, one of the three in bed, then I realize: we need milk. Not to mention a few other necessities for the Sabbath, if we are to keep it holy :)
So off Peyton and I go, to Wal-Mart, at 11 pm.
See.. aren't I a great mother?
At least she had her jacket on now. :)
We get home with our foodstuffs, and find Lynn, still awake, watching a movie that starts with the word "Jack" and ends with another, we'll say, "biblical term" for "donkey".. great choice in entertainment, Dad.
She now believes that grown men, dressed in Panda costumes, running around a downtown area in a country located somewhere on the Asian continent is acceptable and hilarious.
She isn't sleepy, as I am ready to pass out, and Merrill already has.
It is sometime after 1 am, so I let her lay in our bed and watch TV..
Body count in our bed: 3.
At another point in the early morning hours, Peyton wakes up, unhappy. Me, being the great mother I am :) and a very tired one at that, gets her out of her crib and brings her back to our bed to lay down.
Body count is now at 4.
Then, I am awakened to yet another female, crying.
It's Ashley.
Guess what she wants?
To snuggle with me.
I am trying to make up for my greatness from the previous day, so I let her in.
Body count is now up to 5 in our queen size bed..
Quickly, it is reduced by two bodies. Peyton and I go seek refuge in Ashley's bed.
The count takes yet another blow, when Merrill, who awakens with Lynnie-Lou's butt on his forehead, leaves for the couch.
Body count final: 2 little bodies.
Sunday morning starts off well. It's me, alone, getting ready, reflecting on the previous week. Thinking of how I can do better.
Soon I wake up the girls, feed, bathe, and get them ready for church.
There were many emotions exhibited by the miniature women who reside in my home that morning.. not many of them pretty. Fits were thrown about things ranging from shoes to the style of hair to who's church bag is who's. It was an interesting Sunday morning.
Peyton has a blow out.. the only thing that has been consistent between all three girls growing up. When they are teething, they not only have a faucet with a constant trickle in place of their nose, they have nasty, relentless diarrhea.
Lovely.
(I'll spare you further detail.)
Bathe her, get her dressed, again.
But I am still not ready. I need a skirt and shoes.. oh, and the diaper bag.
I usually have these things ready Saturday night.. yeah, this Saturday was not good for that "mothering area"..
Merrill leaves with #1 and #2 in the truck.
It's just me and #3.
As I step into my shoes, I smell an awful familiar smell.. acidy... stinky.. greaaaattt..
Yup, she did it again for me...
Round two.
I get to Relief Society to hear the last five minutes or so of the lesson. Made me wish I had heard the whole thing.
The rest of the day was fun and relaxed.. I enjoyed spending time with our family.
The events of the day left me to contemplate that no matter how crazy the day is, I am so blessed to be a mother.
Even when I get to clean up a blow-out.. or two. :)

Don't shoot the messenger..

I am composing this post as a follow-up to this post.. primarily in response to a particular comment.
I published that post for two reasons.
1- To be a voice. In a world where it seems the majority is not embracing what my values are, instead in opposition of them, I felt I needed to voice what I believe. We will be held accountable if we stand by and do nothing, say nothing, and not stand up for what we believe in, no matter how un-popular it may be. (Think of Miss California!!)
2- For my children.. and grandchildren.. and great-grandchildren, and so on.. I want this to stand as a record, an accurate one of who I was, what I believed. I blog primarily for them. Not for an audience (although I am totally aware that there is one).
While I enjoy comments from the blogging world, I don't say the things I say for praise, admiration, or to "stir it up". I don't do it to be contentious.
I in no way, wanted to come off as if I were telling people what they should do. My family plan doesn't apply to everyone. That's why Heavenly Father answers prayers individually, gives us the blessing of personal revelation.
I stated my personal experience, what decision me and my husband came to for our family, and presented quotes from a prophet of God that helped to guide us in our decision.
Some took it one way. Others took it another way. It wasn't designed to be judgmental, or to hurt feelings.
But I find it interesting, that counsel from our prophets comes directly from a loving Heavenly Father, who desires only for our happiness. I am here to testify, that when we abide by the counsels given, we are happy. Sometimes it isn't easy, but it is always, most certainly worth it.
I think the key word in President Kimball's quotes that impacted me the most, was "necessary".
I know of some who have personal issues, and getting out of their home for a few hours every week has been prescribed by a therapist. Others find themselves in situations out of their control, where they must go outside of the home to find work to support their family.
There are others, who do it for "fun"(?), to "get away", who do it to pay for the un-necessary.
I have an awesome sister-in-law (doubly awesome :D) who works to pay for health and dental care for their family.
But I am not judging what is necessity and what isn't..

My mother stayed at home.
I was oblivious to the sacrifices she and my dad made for us; I was a child. They never made a big deal out of the fact that she stayed at home. They just did it.
I didn't really grasp what it took for her to stay at home.
When I got married, and was responsible for grocery shopping and preparing meals, it hit me.
Top Ramen is about 8 cents a package.
Dry pinto beans are somewhere in the 50 cent range.
Jiffy cornbread mix is 44 cents (I know because I use a lot of it.. hooked from childhood, I guess.).
These were commonly our meals. They were cheap.
Mom & dad very rarely got anything for each other for Christmas, they put all they had into us. My mom now tells me that she would cry most Christmas Eves, worried that we would find our gifts inadequate; she always wished they could give us more.
But my mother stayed at home. She could have gone to work, we could have had awesome meals, some really extravagant gifts! But to my parents, abiding by the council (not a commandment) of the prophet, her staying at home was more important than these things.
I cannot even recollect what I got every year for Christmas.
I can recollect my mom being home everyday after school. Being there when she answered my phone call from school telling her I wasn't feeling well. I can recall everyday, all that she taught me, everyday.
I am blessed because of her choice. My family today, is blessed by her choice, by her example. She has touched so many others' lives through her service.

It all comes down to agency and our personal situation.
Some HAVE to.
Others WANT to.
We will be judged for the intents of our heart, not necessarily by our actions.
I honestly do not know what I would do, if my family found ourselves in a situation where it was necessary for me to go to work. I know it would take faith to do it. I applaud those women out there who sacrifice in that way, to do what is necessary for their family, and for their own situation.
To further prove that I didn't dream up plans of what's best for other families while I was riding on my high horse or that one instance when I was sunbathing on my soapbox (read the sarcasm).. here are some quotes that I found inspiring from other prophets that carry a similar message...

"Because the trend in society today is away from the values and principles the Lord has given us, you will almost certainly be called upon to defend that which you believe. Unless the roots of your testimony are firmly planted, it will be difficult for you to withstand the ridicule of those who challenge your faith. When firmly planted, your testimony of the gospel, of the Savior, and of our Heavenly Father will influence all that you do throughout your life. The adversary would like nothing better than for you to allow derisive comments and criticism of the Church to cause you to question and doubt. Your testimony, when constantly nourished, will keep you safe."

- President Thomas S. Monson

"Teach your children when they are very young and small, and never quit. As long as they are in your home, let them be your primary interest... God bless you, dear friends. Do not trade your birthright as a mother for some bauble of passing value. Let your first interest be in your home. The baby you hold in your arms will grow quickly as the sunrise and the sunset of the rushing days."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

"A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed, and one who has cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child."

- President Howard W. Hunter

"God established that fathers are to preside in the home. Fathers are to provide, love, teach, and direct. A mother’s role is also God-ordained. Mothers are to conceive, bear, nourish, love, and train. They are to be helpmates and are to counsel with their husbands. There is no inequality between the sexes in God’s plan. It is a matter of division of responsibility."
"Because some parents have departed from the principles the Lord gave for happiness and success, many families throughout the world are undergoing great stress and trauma. Many parents have been enticed to abandon their responsibilities in the home to seek after an elusive “self-fulfillment.” Some have abdicated parental responsibilities for pursuit of material things, unwilling to postpone personal gratification in the interest of their children’s welfare."

- President Ezra Taft Benson

And a favorite of Merrill and mine:
"Tremendously important to the child's upbringing is the presence of Mother in the home. Of late years, mothers have left their homes to work in such numbers that the Church authorities are much concerned, and make a call to mothers, 'Come back home, Mothers, come back home.' We realize that there is an occasional mother who must go out to work. There are some mothers whose children are all reared, and who are thus free to work. But for mothers to leave children when there is not an absolute necessity is a hazardous thing. Generally, children just cannot grow up properly disciplined under babysitters, no matter how good these may be, as they can under a mother who loves them so much that she would die for them."

-President Spencer W. Kimball

We all do this, whether we work or stay at home.. we support one another as sisters, as women.. I don't say this to judge, but to explain my stance on this issue.
So there was the message.. I am just choosing to be the messenger.. I did not come up with the concept.
Please don't shoot me :)

Motherhood.. the pure desire...

I saw this over at "The Meanest Mom"..
Grab some Kleenex...
I know it touched me!

I love being a mom...

"Each of you should be grateful to be a woman! Self-pity is always a sad thing to see, and especially when there is no justification for it. To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding-up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling."

I have been pondering over this for some time now.. I feel like I need to speak what is on my mind. And, well, this is how I feel, what I believe. I say this only because I feel like no one is speaking for the truth. So you won't find any apologies here.
The world seems to have something else to say.. about women, their roles, how they should mother, how many children they should bear, how long they should stay at home mothering their children..
Today's economy says enough on it's own. There are more families who feel it necessary to become a multiple income household. Just in case.

"No matter what you read or hear, no matter what the differences of circumstances you observe in the lives of women about you, it is important to understand that the Lord holds motherhood and mothers sacred and in the highest esteem."

With all of this "noise" going on all around me, I went to a book, and not just any old book. This is a book dad gave to me when I was pregnant with Lynn, and was being bombarded from all directions about these "details".
"You should work up until the day you go into labor."
"You should work so you can take full benefit of you maternity leave."
"You have family around.. they can help you so you can work after you have the baby."
But none of this was my plan. It never had been. This one detail was the biggest deal-breaker of a previous engagement.
I wanted to stay at home.
He didn't think it was the right thing to do.. (hhmmmm.. funny as this is what our prophets have admonished us to do...)
Lucky for me, Merrill wanted the same thing.
This book brought me comfort then, reassured me that my choice was correct, and it silences all of those outside voices now.

"One of the important messages that emerges from the history of great women in all ages is that they cared more for the future of their families than for their own comfort. Such good women had a grasp of what matters in life. "

I stay at home.
Sometimes, when I stop and think about it, it's kind of scary... and I am not talking about the dirty diapers and tantrums ;) I am talking about how, financially, this works. We haven't had a raise in pay since right before Lynn was born. We have had our medical benefits dropped, to where we cover them. Every child we have is an out-of-pocket expense.. those are exciting, yet very stressful times. Would me, going outside of our home to work, help ease this stress? It might; but cause only more...
But I believe in exercising faith. We are blessed. We make it.
I don't get a lot of extras. When I come to think of it, even the hobbies I enjoy "doing for myself", really are for the benefit of my family.
If the girls need new shoes, but I would like to replace the ones I have been wearing for the last five years, new shoes for the girls it is.
That's part of being a mother.
Sacrificing wants for needs.
Would I love a new car, a new home, a dream vacation? Of course. But at what cost?
My children, spending time with them, being the one to raise, nurture, and care for them, is what matters most to me. Not sending them off to pay someone to do it half-hearted for me.
So, some people might say, "What about the time for yourself? To find 'you'?"
I echo what President Kimball has said:
".. we can find ourselves only by losing ourselves."
Lose myself in serving my husband, my children, my neighbors, my friends, and my family. I have discovered so much about who I really am, when I shut out the world, the materialism, and concentrate and focus my efforts on others.
I am not saying that the loads of laundry don't seem monotonous, that I don't sneak off to the craft store after dinner is cleaned up and dad can take over for a bit.. I am saying it is all more than worth it.
I am making my home.

"It is true of all of us that, as we progress spiritually, our sense of belonging, identity, and self-worth increases."

Time for myself, whether I am blogging, scrapbooking, reading, or just relaxing, helps me to connect spiritually. Having that extra hour, maybe an hour and a half some days ;) before the girls wake up.. that helps the day go much better. I am able to center myself, prepare myself for the craziness that usually ensues.
I don't need to leave my home, place my children in the care of another, in order to "find myself".
Motherhood is full of experiences that allow for growth and self development... if you open yourself to it.

"It was never easy to bear and rear children, but easy things do not make for growth and development."

And there are days which I think I will never recover from.. but I do. I learn that I have strength to do more than I ever thought I would be able to.
I have many fears about motherhood. Some have been jumped over like a literal hurdle..
- nursing
- c-section
- relationships with more than one daughter (aahhhh!!!)
Point is, I knew who I was, I had an identity before I got married, before I had my own children. I learn more about myself everyday, through the eyes of my children.. we get to learn together. What a blessing!
I am thankful, to be blessed enough, that it isn't a necessity for me to leave my home, and my children, to go to work.
I know that there are many, who must, and my heart breaks for them. I have a good friend who would give anything to be in the position to be home with her children, to be there when they get home from school, to be there when they are ill. But she can't. She isn't working for the new car in the garage. For the mortgage.
It puts a smile on my face, makes my spirit soar when I hear my daughters' desires are to be mothers...

"We have grown strong as a people because our mothers and our women have been so selfless."

I hope my example, like those before me, and those great examples of womanhood that surround me, carry on.

(My quotes were taken from the book: "My Beloved Sisters" words spoken by President Spencer W. Kimball at two separate women's conferences in the 70's.. my how they still apply today!)

Sweet mom award...

My sweetie friend, Ally, gave me this!
I have always wanted to be a mom (and a teacher, and a police officer, and a dancer, and a firefighter, and a lawyer even at one time...) always.. it is the greatest blessing that I am a mother. To be given the awesome responsibility to take care of others... to teach them and uplift. I love every second of it...
I give this to all my girlfriends who are in every sense, mothers... we share in challenges, joys, struggles, potty training, pregnancy, deliveries, and many, many sleepless nights.. and countless loads of laundry..
Here's to all of you!!

I needed this today...

I have said it, just yesterday in fact, but before too... Heavenly Father knows us individually, He knows our needs. He loves us! Whether we pray for what we are in need of or not, He blesses us everyday with what will help us.
Today is no exception.
I hope to post, when all is resolved, what my small struggles are at this particular time in my life, in the life of my family. They are not as great as others struggles and trials, but they are mine.
I am so thankful to great friends who are so attentive to the Spirit. Who do the smallest, most ordinary things, and bless my life, give me encouragement and strength. There are so many of you!!!
Today, I got this from my dear friend, Ally, in my e-mail...
Thanks Ally... I really needed this!

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store.

Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'

Obviously, not.

No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated sum a cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going; she's going; she is gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England ..

Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself.

I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe .

I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:


'To My Dear Friend, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:

No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.

The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.

It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life.

It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on.

The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'you're going to love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right.

And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know...I just did.

Hope this encourages you when the going gets tough as it sometimes does.

We never know what our finished products will turn out to be because of our perseverance.

From the corridors of Mindy's brain...

I've been dong some thinking lately...
(Like that nice shot of my inner nose area.. I know, totally flattering...)
This whole private blogging thing...
I understand the need to go private.. I have been kicking the idea around for a LONG time now. Off and on, the need arises. Mom was soooo worried when I was preggers with Pey that some psycho would stalk me, somehow render me senseless, and give me a totally involuntary c-section and steal my cute baby girl.
I told her that I don't post info, especially specifics, until after the event has transpired. I try not to post too much information (unless it's about my children's bowel movements, questionable language, or my sex life ;)..) like addresses, details about where I hide my huge stash of cash... etc.
I have decided, for the time being to leave my blog open. But I totally understand why a lot of you are changing...
Let me explain why I am not...
Not saying I am awesome or anything.. but I am continuously drawn to the fact of the friendships that are made or strengthened through this outlet. Ally, I wouldn't even know you if it weren't for blogging! Look at all that I would be missing? I think of how many people need other people out there, who could benefit from the examples of others. I wouldn't want to close that door, even if there's the chance that some crazy yahoos might enter through that same door. Speaking of crazy yahoos, I have crazy friends who have moved away, I wouldn't have found them, and have been able to keep in touch without blogging.
I find blogging as a way to share my testimony... first of all, to have it recorded for my kids, and my grand kids, but to have it out there for others. Hopefully the influence is for the better... there will always be negative people out there, criticism is a part of life. I have had to take some every now and then, I don't crumble when some body leaves a negative comment. I am so oblivious most times, I don't even take it the way it was meant to be taken. If I don't like what someone has to say, I can always delete the comment, and then let everyone wonder what the comment said... ;)
Another reason, to connect with others. Old friends, new friends, potential friends...
How many homemakers/mother are out there, and have a not so good day? How many find another blogging homemaker/mother that can twist it into a positive, and helps you to remember that it is just a moment? To let it go? I have found that when my kids have gotten into something, or behave in a way that makes me want to scream, I think, "This is bloggable..." and my attitude towards my child and the situation changes, for the better.
At the risk of sounding totally naive, I believe that if some sicko out there wants either my personal information, or desires to stalk me, they will find a way to get it, or to get to me ( and good luck, I'd totally kick your ass(es).. 3 brothers, who taught me well, my 9mm..). Blogs were not the beginning of this kind of activity. We just have to be careful about what we post.
I personally have no beef posting pictures of my kids. I also am aware of freaks out there who would think certain thoughts when they see how cute my girls are. I am not going to bait them, I am not going to post pictures of my kids that I would not scrapbook. Fact is, people see my kids everyday out in public, I am not going to put a brown paper sack over their heads to hide them from everyday people, some who are the sickos aforementioned... I also cannot control the thought or feelings of people. I don't stay awake at night worrying about what the checker at the store was really thinking about Ashley when she said that naughty word...
Bottom line, we are here for each other. We share our talents, feelings, inner-most thoughts, joys, hardships, memories, laughs, but most of all, we share support. I love that when I am having a hard time, I get encouragement. I love it!
I cannot privatize my blog.
There might just be someone, someday, who might just need something that I might write... maybe.

Confessions of a slacker mom...

Great thought... Mer is gone. Dinner early. Kids to bed early... um, no groceries got done today, see previous post.. so, we had Arctic Circle for dinner...
Peyton found her first kids meal:She has yet another new trick too...

I am so blessed...

Today Lynn and I went on her first field trip to the nature center. It was so fun riding on the bus with her for her first time! She giggled and giggled at all the bumps and bounces as the bus drove along. She kept hugging me and telling me how happy she was that I was there. "I love you mom! I am so glad you are here with me! This is so fun!"
The people out there were so cute with the kids and so kind! The kids were able to learn so much because their approach to teaching was so awesome.
I just felt so blessed to be able to go with her, not to have to work, to have family close to come watch the other two...
I had four little kindergartners to keep close watch of, and they were some cute kids! One little girl was so shy the whole time. She kept suppressing a smile, she wouldn't quite really smile at me. On the ride home, she really opened up to me and just started chatting away. She was so excited because since we did the field trip in the morning (and they are afternoon kids..) she wouldn't have to go to day care that day. "Day care is gross. There are kids that don't go potty in the bathrooms so there is pee everywhere. Even the mats that we are supposed to sleep on smell like pee." My heart broke! I was so sad for her that those were her life circumstances. I know, some people need the money, some people aren't as blessed as I am, to get to stay home with my kids. But I just felt so badly for her. Then she got all excited... "But I won't have to go to day care or school for the next ten days because my family is going to Disneyland, and Sea World, and Lego Land.."
Yeah, we could have some extras... but being home, making my home and being with my kids, is far far better!

some of this n' that...

life lately...
catching up on this:
doing a lot of this:

shopping, both in stores and online...
hunting down the perfect board shorts for Powell! (found 'em!)and a bunch of other stuuuffffff...
enrichment was incredible last night! christie did awesome, as always... and as an added bonus, alison barber spoke too! two of the most incredible mothers i know... i learned a lot and came home feeling re-energized in my calling of "mother".
last night, lynn came into our room... we heard her crying, but we get a lot of that "girl emotion" when they are over-tired. so, she came into our room and starts to tell us why she is so upset. we are expecting some offense or other assult that ashley was the culprit of, but instead, we got: "i----... and then it turned into a language and sound that only the animal kingdom might be able to decipher. we told her to come and snuggle with us and we could talk about what was bothering her. after we got her to calm down so we could sufficiently understand her, it came out...
"i don't want to grow up. i don't want to leave this house. i want to be with my family forever. i don't want to get old and i don't want to die."
she was pretty upset and it took a while to calm her down. we told her that while we are sad to have these things happen, they are good things. growing is good. i also got to bust out one of alison's sayings from the evening, "it is called the plan of happiness... we are supposed to be happy!" she's been okay since... she came up with the solution to not living here when she gets "old" and the problem of not living with her family... she'll just move in here when she gets married, and then she and her husband and all of her kids can live here too!
i must mention (because i am so proud of myself... and merrill's happy too ;)...) i can now fit into 3 new pairs of jeans!!! here i come favorite jeans... here i come...

My Kiddos...

My sweet and sassy girls...I was a little afraid when we found out that Lynn was going to be a girl... a little excited too... but afraid... now I have 3 of them!!! Merrill is afraid of paying for the weddings.
It is so fun to see each of their different personalities...
Lynn is coming into her mothering phase... she's "Honey Bear"...
Ashley is our comedian, always pretty hyper, but she has a shy bone in her too... she is "Ashley Bear"... yeah, we got real creative...
And here is the best baby in the whole wide world... she can put up with the other two... but she doesn't quite have a "Bear" name yet... but recent days has gone by "Peyton Pissy Pants"... we think it's teeth... or her sisters bugging her...
I wonder why I was so afraid to have a girl in the first place. I was even more afraid of having two. I grew up an only girl, and my relationship with my mother is a sacred thing, I was so concerned about having that kind of relationship with each of my girls... so far it is working out splendidly...

"The Farmer in the Soup"

We have been reading a lot of books, getting in good reading these days... Lynn wants to be primed for Kindergarten. Today we read, "The Farmer in the Soup". It's about a farmer who did nothing but complain about everything his wife did, and said she "had it easy". So, they switched places, and he soon discovered, it wasn't "that easy", and he was grateful for what she did everyday, he grew to be appreciative. That was after she had done a half day of his work and cleaned up the messes he created trying to do her work...
So it led to interesting dinner discussion...
I have always been thankful that Mer has such a strong work ethic, it does help that it is the family business and that one day it will be the kids' responsibility, so he wants to take care of it now, so there will be something later... but he is that way about everything.
When we were dating, talking about what we wanted in life. we were both on the same page when it came to who would do what. He wanted a stay-at-home mother for his kids, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
We fit.
Heavenly Father answered my prayers, prayers that went up every night for years, to find this guy.
We support each other.
While some days he may not be excited about what the day will have in store for him, he goes to work, for us.
Some of those days, the girls and I get done what needs to be done, and then we do a lot of playing. He isn't ornery about it, in fact, he told me that he's thankful it is the way it is. He never complains, he praises me for some of the littlest stuff, stuff that really doesn't affect him. It could be a bow or bracelet I have made, but it's for his girls, it makes him happy.
He teases me about my "crap-booking", but then tells me how awesome it is that I document everything for the girls, sometimes 3 or 4 of the same layout, so everyone can have it... and he encourages me.
I love him for that. Because of him, I have fulfilled my biggest dreams, being his wife and a mother to his girls....
I love that tonight, after playing on the trampoline with the girls, singing songs, and being silly, Lynn says to me, "Mom, I am glad I have a mom like you."
It's because she has the greatest dad, even though he called me "a fizzle"...