Friday, January 28, 2011


I am unaware why I am drawn to the compu-tater at such hours as this..  feeling as if I need to pour out my soul, bare it to the select few that are shush-ey about such things.  Really, I have composed a dozen different brilliant and witty blog posts in my head, usually as I am taking a blazing shower while the rest of the household sleeps, after I’ve run, or exercised, but basically sweated the bleh all out of me, feeling quite satisfied with myself.  (About being both brilliant and witty.)  And then I try to blanket myself with reality.

Realities such as:

- There are children to wake and prepare for school on the morrow, you should go to bed.  Don't compose that silly post. You will probably be laughing solo.

- You are getting a slight cold.  Perhaps you can nip it in the bud if you promptly go to sleep.  You wittiness and brilliance do not need to drip (or run, or sneeze) out of your orifices.  Sleep.

- You have a crazy memory!!  Go to sleep..  you will remember such brilliant and witty things tomorrow.

So on and so forth goes my mind, talking me out of posting  my cleverness pronto.

Then the next day, I think to myself: “Self, why did you think that was so funny last night?  You should be happy I kept you from posting that.  Wow.  We could have looked foolish.  Not so brilliant even.”

And now, I am wishing I would have.  You see, this is what I do for me.  This is how I record my thoughts, my feelings, my moods.  I know I am not your average gal, and I should be happy with that.  But right now, this act in my life, I feel like I am under a magnifying glass.  I feel like everything I do, say, write, or even create, will be judged, picked-apart, and criticized. 

I am not going to lie.  I miss so badly, feeling like I had an audience, even people who would never comment, I know they stalked.  I miss having that unexpected friendship present itself and blossom.  Such relationships are things that are beutiful and I treasure them. I want to make more connections and let my light shine. 

I figured at the beginning of this “private” phase, that I could still do that by posting my photographs, my creations.  I still feel stifled though.  I can create a layout, love it, completely and utterly, but then question myself.  Then I change it, take away tall the things that make me fearful of all the aforementioned possibilities, and hate it completely.  I fix it to the way I love it, again, imagine what will be said by whom and to another.  It is quite ridiculous.  This I know to be true.  But it is still the way I feel.  It is an awful feeling.  It is also a time and motivation vacuum.

I just want so badly to be myself, but feel like I can’t.

I am trying…

I have been experimenting with a new camera and a lens that didn’t quite work so well with my own camera body (or maybe it was just my eyes).  I do love the pictures that comes from the efforts, I love learning new things and stretching my knowledge, but I am so darned afraid to post them, to share them.


I have friends that I really, truly love, but that I am worried about letting them into my safe space here.  I am afraid of the criticism, of what they might tell other people. 

Meine Mutti (my mom) tells me it’s Satan, and he has a strong hold on me.  Oh boy, and how!  I feel it.  There are times, like the times I mentioned above, that I feel so good, like I can take it all on, like I can start all over again, pick up from where I left off, but then I try to tell myself to be realistic.  Such thoughts as: “Sleep is important.” 

I am trying to take care of myself, and what my most important priorities are.  There just feels like something is missing.

I still feel like I am walking around in a haze, and I can’t find myself.  I just don’t know where I am or where I should even be going.  It would be so easy to just throw the towel in, to quit it all.  Suck into myself and just be me. 

But you see, I know that is not me.

I just want to be me.  I want to go back to that time when I was most comfortable with who I am, when I felt happier, uninhibited.  I did the things I enjoyed without the worry of what others would think or say.  Darn it!  I had motivation to spare!!

And this is the point I come to at the end of everyday.  Looking back on all that I could have/should have done, regretting most of the day immensely, and thinking in my little mind (that I feel sometimes can be both brilliant and witty, but in short spurts) what I can do differently tomorrow.  I just let it out this time in a real way, not just to myself.

I don’t want to be scared to go in my craft room.  I don’t want to be afraid to blog, to say what I think.



anniebobannie said...

MIndy~ I know how you feel lady! I felt that way for a long time! I love who you are! It is what made me want to read your blog daily. I love you confidence. When I describe "My Friend Mindy" I always tell people she is creative, beautiful, a wonderful mother, a devoted wife, spiritual, fun to be with, but my two favorite things about her are 1. She knows who she is and is confident just being herself take it or leave it. And 2. Her light shines so bright it spills into your soul. I love who you are and I think you should do things that you like and that make you happy. If other's don't like it or you, it is THEM that is missing out knowing such an amazing person! You seriously are such a blessing! I know I am not the only one you inspire. I agree that Satan wants to steal your fire. I will pray for you. I know I have felt a DEFINATE void not being in your daily life and seeing your beautiful projects. "Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father which art in Heaven" LOVE YOU GIRL!!!

Crystal said...

Thank you for saying all of this. This is how I have been feeling alot lately. Since my mom past away (4 years ago, now) I have said that part of me died with her. She was my positive strength. I loved to laugh, cry, and talk with her. However, I have realized that the old-Crystal is still inside of me I just need to find her again. It is not fair to Clint or the kids. I have been wanting to open myself up on my blog, but am too scared. I want to be a better mom, wife, and friend, but I know there is someone holding me back, like your mom said he is holding you back.

I have always thought that we are a lot alike. I am so glad our friendship has "blossomed" all over again. You are a wonderful, amazing, spiritual, uplifting women who I truly love.

Julie said...

Min, I know it is easier said than done. Just be YOU. I love who you are. You are such a great example to me. I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I miss those days when we don't spend time together because you are such a positive, important part of my life. The next time those little voices tell you to hold back, tell them to shut it and just go for it.

Bits and Pieces of Me...Emily! said...

I think everyone struggles with the same thing..I know I am right now (you know, because you read my blog!) It's hard to find ourselves again sometimes, but i think we will..because we have friends,each other, that help to inspire, lift and love. :)

Bon said...

Mindy, I totally hear you. I think there have been maybe some totally rude and insecure people who have turned you off from the blog? Well I for one am glad I am still included in your private blog. I learn a lot from you. You are so gifted. It is sad that a few people can ruin something good because they are envious or insecure. I don't know if really that is what has happened to your blogging but I could see that can contribute. I know what you mean about having an audience to blog to. It makes it worth it somehow to know someone is listening, then the quantity of what you do everyday is put on the blog for the kids to read later.
Well anyway hang in there. Maybe sometime you will be ready to venture out again.

Janet said...

I say continue with your daily good rituals: prayer, scriptures, mom-hood, wife-hood. Take care of the things you should be doing. You usually do, but continue to do something for someone in need each day. Listen to your friends. (These great friends that have commented here.) And listen to whatever other GOOD voices there are. Most of all The Spirit. You know who you are. Now live it. Let the negative stuff wash over you and get lost in the smog. Then when the wind blows it will get taken away too. Let's all count our blessings, and show gratitude to our Heavenly Father for all that he has blessed us with. I'm grateful Heavenly Father blesses me with a beautiful daughter, (spiritually and physically), and that he has blessed her with beautiful friends.

Ally's Corner said...

When I read your comment" I still feel like I am walking around in a haze, and I can’t find myself." that it me so hard that I started to cry. This is how I have been feeling for many months.
I think a lot of us this year are doing some growing and boy is it painful!
I love you girl!