I am unaware why I am drawn to the compu-tater at such hours as this.. feeling as if I need to pour out my soul, bare it to the select few that are shush-ey about such things. Really, I have composed a dozen different brilliant and witty blog posts in my head, usually as I am taking a blazing shower while the rest of the household sleeps, after I’ve run, or exercised, but basically sweated the bleh all out of me, feeling quite satisfied with myself. (About being both brilliant and witty.) And then I try to blanket myself with reality.
Realities such as:
- There are children to wake and prepare for school on the morrow, you should go to bed. Don't compose that silly post. You will probably be laughing solo.
- You are getting a slight cold. Perhaps you can nip it in the bud if you promptly go to sleep. You wittiness and brilliance do not need to drip (or run, or sneeze) out of your orifices. Sleep.
- You have a crazy memory!! Go to sleep.. you will remember such brilliant and witty things tomorrow.
So on and so forth goes my mind, talking me out of posting my cleverness pronto.
Then the next day, I think to myself: “Self, why did you think that was so funny last night? You should be happy I kept you from posting that. Wow. We could have looked foolish. Not so brilliant even.”
And now, I am wishing I would have. You see, this is what I do for me. This is how I record my thoughts, my feelings, my moods. I know I am not your average gal, and I should be happy with that. But right now, this act in my life, I feel like I am under a magnifying glass. I feel like everything I do, say, write, or even create, will be judged, picked-apart, and criticized.
I am not going to lie. I miss so badly, feeling like I had an audience, even people who would never comment, I know they stalked. I miss having that unexpected friendship present itself and blossom. Such relationships are things that are beutiful and I treasure them. I want to make more connections and let my light shine.
I figured at the beginning of this “private” phase, that I could still do that by posting my photographs, my creations. I still feel stifled though. I can create a layout, love it, completely and utterly, but then question myself. Then I change it, take away tall the things that make me fearful of all the aforementioned possibilities, and hate it completely. I fix it to the way I love it, again, imagine what will be said by whom and to another. It is quite ridiculous. This I know to be true. But it is still the way I feel. It is an awful feeling. It is also a time and motivation vacuum.
I just want so badly to be myself, but feel like I can’t.
I am trying…
I have been experimenting with a new camera and a lens that didn’t quite work so well with my own camera body (or maybe it was just my eyes). I do love the pictures that comes from the efforts, I love learning new things and stretching my knowledge, but I am so darned afraid to post them, to share them.
I have friends that I really, truly love, but that I am worried about letting them into my safe space here. I am afraid of the criticism, of what they might tell other people.
Meine Mutti (my mom) tells me it’s Satan, and he has a strong hold on me. Oh boy, and how! I feel it. There are times, like the times I mentioned above, that I feel so good, like I can take it all on, like I can start all over again, pick up from where I left off, but then I try to tell myself to be realistic. Such thoughts as: “Sleep is important.”
I am trying to take care of myself, and what my most important priorities are. There just feels like something is missing.
I still feel like I am walking around in a haze, and I can’t find myself. I just don’t know where I am or where I should even be going. It would be so easy to just throw the towel in, to quit it all. Suck into myself and just be me.
But you see, I know that is not me.
I just want to be me. I want to go back to that time when I was most comfortable with who I am, when I felt happier, uninhibited. I did the things I enjoyed without the worry of what others would think or say. Darn it! I had motivation to spare!!
And this is the point I come to at the end of everyday. Looking back on all that I could have/should have done, regretting most of the day immensely, and thinking in my little mind (that I feel sometimes can be both brilliant and witty, but in short spurts) what I can do differently tomorrow. I just let it out this time in a real way, not just to myself.
I don’t want to be scared to go in my craft room. I don’t want to be afraid to blog, to say what I think.