The hardest thing...

See how excited these two were? Falling asleep in their doorway... I had to tell them the hardest wort news their little world would ever experience...Well, we didn't go to Powell...
And for a good reason. I cannot really explain it all. Most people just wouldn't get it. You can't accurately convey it when you try to type a feeling.
The boat, we heard, wasn't as big as last year's boat, and the count of people going kept rising. I didn't feel good when that count went up. In a conversation that I had with mom, she said the same thing that I was feeling, I hadn't told her that. When she said it, it just cemented my feeling. I just had a really bad feeling about it. I talked with Merrill, and we came to the conclusion, that if the boat was the smaller one, and that many people were getting on, we wouldn't. But I still didn't feel right. I knew that Merrill most likely wouldn't say no, he can't disappoint his dad, and turn around to go home, I needed him to understand how I felt, that we weren't supposed to go. So a lot of praying followed. I kept thinking about how to get him to understand, kept trying to find a reason to help him get it. Then a memory, of right before Peyton was born, came to me. I wrote about it in this post.
I know that I didn't talk to too many people about my real feelings. I felt silly, I thought that others might think that I was crazy. I thought it was all of the hormones leading up to the birth of Peyton. I really felt like something was going to happen to her, something fatal. So when she was born, and everything was fine, I expected those feelings to go away. They didn't. They got pretty bad, worse than I ever thought. I would pray to have Heavenly Father take them away from me, so I could go for just part of the day without feeling that dread. I didn't dare talk about it with Merrill, I didn't want him to think that I was postpartum and crazy. I talked to Brooke about it before Pey was born. She was sweet enough to listen and took me seriously, helped talk me through my feelings. It was such a relief! To have just said it out loud! I already felt a huge burden was relieved. I prayed, asked for some help the night before Merrill was to bless Peyton, I wanted to know what to do, to help me to feel comfort and to take these feelings away. I didn't want these horrific feelings to affect me as a mother. I wanted to enjoy every second with Peyton, not waiting for what horrible things I felt, to happen. After her blessing, I did feel peace. I felt like everything would be okay no matter what. I had to have faith.
Then Josh, a boy in our ward passed away. He passed away when he had a bad seizure in the middle of the night. That was an awful time. While at his funeral, I was a wreck. I felt those feelings, even stronger. I could visualize my family going through that. Every musical number performed, fit the funeral for a sweet little girl. I hated having those feelings. I was so upset that I was even thinking this! It was around that time that I told Christie what I felt. She was just as good as Brooke. She didn't think I was crazy.
Everything that came up having to do with small children being harmed or killed in freak accidents, haunted me. I didn't want to know about those things. But I felt like I needed to prepare myself. I had a conversation with a woman in our ward, whom I highly admire. We were staying after the block for her to get set-apart and began visiting. She began to tell me about her granddaughter who was pretty sick. She is the same age as Lynn. She told me that she knew something was coming, the day her granddaughter was born, the first time she held her, she heard in her head, "You sweet little one, you won't be here for long." She had similar feelings to what I had, "Why would I think that?", "Why am I so morbid?", "Why would I even think that about someone I love?". I started to cry. I told her I understood, I had the same experience. She was shocked, she asked me who, one of my own? I held Peyton, asleep in my arms, and nodded at her. She was very empathetic. She asked me if I had told Merrill. Of course not, I didn't dare. Still. But she got me thinking, I needed to talk to mom.
The next day, I was helping mom on a quilt, I told her about this woman, and then told her about my feelings. She was calm, didn't call me crazy, and helped me sort my way through it. We talked about what was said in Peyton's blessing. We talked about how this could just be a warning, to play it carefully, not to be too comfortable, being a mom for the third time, sometimes I feel like I am not as worried or careful as I should be. But I can remember times when I went a little overboard to ensure Peyton's safety. Now I felt comfort, I felt like I knew what these feelings meant, what they were all about. I finally had the courage to tell Mer.
He was a little shook up. I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal, so he wouldn't freak out more. I told him the conclusion that mom helped me to come to and he seemed satisfied.
I didn't feel those feelings again until this last week.
Now, back to the day we were supposed to leave... First, Lynn and I had her Kindergarten testing to go to, Mer stayed home with the other two. Then, we had plans to get everything packed and ready, and go to the zoo after lunch, come back home, help load up the truck, load up our car, and head just part way there, stopping in Price for the night.
Everything went wrong that day.
Mer got called into work that morning to do a delivery to Huntsville. He left after Lynn and I got back from the school. His drive took him about a half hour away, up the canyon, over the loop, and around the dam. Once he got on his way, Map Quest had given him incorrect directions, and he called me to help guide him there while I studied a map. Then, once he found the house, the mat and safety pad he was told to deliver and set-up, were the wrong shape and size. He had to go back to the warehouse, get the right stuff, and go back. On top of it all, their trampoline wasn't even put together like it was supposed to be. One more thing to take up time.
When he got back to the warehouse, his mom told him to go, we had plans, someone else would have to do it. So he came home. I was frustrated, trying to keep all the kids entertained while I packed-up all by myself. Peyton wouldn't nap at all that day. She wasn't happy, and I was trying to get all of the day-of stuff packed, you know, the hair brushes, toothpaste, toothbrushes... Talked to my mom, told her the plan, still frustrated with my bad feeling, and she told me that she still didn't feel good about it either, but knew we would do the right thing for us. Got lunch fed to the girls while I was still gathering all of the "just in case" items, and I was so frustrated, this shouldn't be taking this long. It was 2 pm, I put everything that I had packed and ready by the door, but still had some more things to gather, water shoes, life jackets... I'd get them when we came back to load up. I had a very distinct prompting to take my nursing cover-up, and some other stuff, extra stuff for the girls. I thought, "We are only going to be gone for a couple of hours, I don't need to take more stuff." We got on our way.
I drove up the wrong street, only to have to drive back to a point I knew to drive up the right way. We were off our schedule, bad. I was trying to relax, we would still have fun. We did have fun at the zoo. We walked all over and saw everything. The kids loved it and me and Mer had a good time too. It was around 5 pm now, and we knew we had to go in order to get where we planned on being for the night. We didn't want to be driving tired down highway 6. We loaded up, and left the zoo.
We got a couple of blocks away form the street we needed to be on to get right on the interstate, and the car started to overheat. Now, we've had this car for ten years, with the only problems ever being the typical stuff, new tires, chips in the windshield... nothing ever major. Once, the radiator cap wasn't put on tight enough after it was serviced and that needed to be put on correctly. But nothing ever really wrong. I knew this was it. This was what was telling us we shouldn't go.
We stopped at a gas station and took a look. The coolant was really low. Mer went in and bought some, and filled the reservoir. We did just what the bottle said to do, but the car kept getting way too hot, so hot, the needle was going off the temperature gauge. We could only drive one block at a time. Lynn even prayed that the car would work so we could get to Lake Powell. The girls were so restless. This sweet corporate guy came out of the Red Lion hotel, going home, and saw the girls in the back seat, us out of the car with the hood up, and gave each of the girls a little stuffed lion. That made them happy. Now I understood why I was prompted to bring extra stuff. I was upset that I didn't listen. Then I began to think of how much worse life would be if I didn't heed this much bigger prompting of not going to Powell.
Mer made a couple of phone calls. He was checking everything he could, fuses, fans, everything. To make this already long story a bit shorter, Dixon came. I took his car home with the girls. It was after 8 pm by then, the girls kept asking about Powell. I didn't want to tell them alone, but I felt like I had to prepare them.
Joe had to come down too, and ended-up towing Merrill and Dixon home. They left the car in front of Smitty's. Dixon told Merrill that we could just take his car, leave ours to get fixed while we were gone. Merrill then went and helped to load that truck. It was after 11 pm when he got home. We stayed up late talking about what we were going to do. He was still trying to get at least him and Lynn to go, to take Dixon's offered car. I still didn't feel good, we needed to be together as a family this weekend. I cried and sobbed out of relief when Mer said we would all stay home together.
It was the hardest thing in the world, I'm sure, for Merrill to tell his dad that we weren't going. He tried to convince Merrill that we should. He even called Smitty's the next morning and told them to fix the car, on him.
Even harder than telling Dixon, was telling Lynn. She wasn't at all happy with us. She ran away form us and hid. It broke my heart.
Just so you understand how hard it was to say we weren't going, I was sick. I was already sickened by the feeling we shouldn't go, but I felt sick thinking of that beautiful place, what everyone would be doing, every hour of the day, and us not being there. That is where our love story began. It is our place.
We found out that the car needed a new radiator. We picked-up the car Friday afternoon. Chad told Mer that it was a fluke thing, it wasn't damaged because of neglect or anything, a rock or something shot up and gauged a pretty big hole through the radiator. A pre-destined rock I do believe.
We filled our weekend with lots of fun family activities. We still were sad to not be at our place.
But it was the right choice.
I know what we avoided. Peyton just kept giving me this look one night while we were driving to one of our outings... a look of total love. It was hard trying to describe it to Mer. But I know what it means.
I was shown what we avoided. I guess I pleaded enough. I know that we shouldn't ask, we should just follow and do as we are told, but after we did obey, I asked. I was shown.
All I can say, those feelings of losing my baby, are gone.
We did the right thing.
I hope someday, the girls will understand.
Every moment with Peyton is that much sweeter now.
Oh, she's crawling too!