Friday, December 2, 2011

the universe discovered who I married and is now, most assuredly working against me.

once upon a time, I had a washing machine.  it lost it’s water level adjuster knobby thingie twice (once we retrieved it from the nether-regions of the washer, the next time, not).  it also made a horribly horrendous banging/clanging/serial killer is coming after you loudly sound as it spun and the load became un-balanced.  it also leaked something awful.  that leakage was worsened by the fact that the laundry room at this particular house does not have a drain in the floor.  those are quite convenient when you know the luxury of having one.  this old (as in former, and well, aged) washing machine of mine also had an agitator that resembled a new york city skyscraper. 

(i.e. it stuck up out of the bottom of the washing machine tub.)

now this agitator did not only agitate the laundry, it agitated me as well.

it liked to tie our clothing in knots.  knots so wonderfully tied that I could usually take one whole load of laundry out, in one knotty mound, and deposit it into the dryer.  one shot. 

(it was really quite annoying.  one sleeve being longer than the other?  that is not fashionable.)

now something must be said of how excellent my dryer is.  it could magically untie that massive knotted mound of wet clothes quite magically.  wonderful dryer..

(that is why I kept it around, and the washer..  well, not so much.  what did it magically do for me?)

that old agitating washing machine also liked to munch on drawstrings like they were rope licorice and get them all in a tangled, wet, tightly wound mess.  they would wind themselves underneath and around the skyscraper-like agitator.  that is quite the olympic feat to get that mess undone, especially when you are 5’ 2” and you are dealing with a super-capacity washer.

(i.e. it’s DEEP.) 

during it’s last few weeks with us, it started to smell something awful.  I later found that along with a leakage problem, it also had a drainage problem.  old water would get stuck inside the washer, and well, I discovered that it smelled like fish tank water.  fish tank water that has a fish or two (or ten) swimming and eating and pooping in it for a good month.  that little issue made our laundry smell not so freshly laundered.  it was quite gross and it gave merrill a complex that he had major b.o. for a couple of days.

(that was kind of funny.)

but the thing that that agitating agitator did that was so extremely agitating, and is now coming back to bite my butt is this:

it tore a hole in the back of my waterproof mattress pad.

(okay, not mine, per say, but one that I purchased for the girls’ beds.)

so I was thinking, the last time I laundered this wonderful waterproof mattress protector, it really isn’t a big deal.  if I place this spot where the hole torn in the protective plastic goes, at the foot of the bed, where littlest wee-wee-er can’t really get any wet mess, I will be totally jake.

(jake as meaning “okay” or “alright”.)

that is what I was thinking. 

not only that, I thought I was really covering my bases putting it on ashely’s bed, who hasn’t done anything wet in her bed in years.

situation neutralized, or so I thought.

then one night, the universe, who apparently has a beef with my dear husband as I have explained in the past, discovered who it is that I am legally and lawfully wedded to.

you see, peyton, who has had an issue with this whole nonsense of daylight savings time, has tried to sneak away either right before dinner (like as I am making it) or during, when my choice of meal preparation for the night has somehow offended her, and takes herself a nap.

then, there is part two of the most recent issues with my wee-est child, she has started wetting-the bed (and the couch, and the floor) again.  only during bedtime and these aforementioned ill-timed naps.

so here is where the universe started laughing in my face:

one night, when my choice of cheesy potato soup offended this little girl, she went to take a nap.  after we finished eating (because cold cheesy potato soup is not delicious), we all went hunting for the kid.  she was not in her bed, not by her bed, not in her closet, nor on the couch.  no floor held her.  not even my bed had she chosen. 

she was asleep at the foot of ashley’s bed.

where she peed.

which pee, went straight through that four inch square space that was not protected by awesomely protective waterproof mattress plastic protectant, and soaked right down through that flowery mattress.

awesome, universe.

since when aren’t we friends?

needless to say, we have been giving lots of bubble baths, washing lots of sheets, using lots of fabric softener, and I bought a case of goodnights.  I am sure they would be more helpful (and I happier) if I used them for good-ill-timed-naps as well.

in closing, I would like to add that our family got a new washer as an early christmas gift (thankyouverymuch!) and I love it.  I could watch the laundry be laundered all day long..  it is quite fascinating, really.  and I fixed my dryer which had an issue.  I wasn’t about to keep that agitating washer around much longer.  sure we could have repaired it’s issue(s) all except for that one, very agitating one.


Julie said...

I don't think the universe is against Merrill, I think it is just called "Murphy's Law." On the bright side, it made a very fun and interesting story which I enjoyed reading.

Carrie said...

I totally believe that the universe is against Merrill. Who else could crash a jet ski on land? From the water, full speed, straight at the rock and dirt pier at Bear Lake, right into the rocks, splitting the jet ski, and get thrown onto the top of the pier? One of my funniest memories of childhood (once we found out he was ok, of course). I believe it.

Ally's Corner said...

Woolite fabric & upholstery foam cleaner sprayed on a mattress works wonders!!!

anniebobannie said...

So funny! THat sounds like our luck! You are a great storyteller!

Nathan said... are hilarious...that's all there is to it!