no coincidence.

I don’t believe in coincidence.

it’s no secret that I have not been feeling well.  posts composed at 1 in the a.m. usually divulge too much information.  but it’s not just that.

I have three kids.  three girls to be exact, and while it is a terrible mess of emotions, fun, and happy times, it is also entirely too stressful for my own good.

every day there is some kind of sister or girl drama. 

there is homework, some that drives a mom to think horrible thoughts about what to do with sharp pencils and orifices in their own head.

(the only thing that could possibly be worse than the third grade homework packet would be what will take place next year, which will inevitably be second and fourth grade homework packets.  ugh.)

then there are the other normal, everyday type stuffs:  cooking, cleaning, laundry, mending, ironing (which someone has taken-up again after their husband was spoiled on his last trip and had dress shirts starched and ironed.), bathing, fixing four heads of hair (sometimes repeatedly throughout the course of an ordinary day), not to mention any other task or need that arises any given day.  you know, all the normal “mom stuff”.

then there’s the list of stuff I “should be doing” or the stuff that I do, just not often enough.

we pray as a family daily.

we don’t hold family home evening, well, a structured one, often enough.

we don’t read the scriptures, unless it is during a structured family home evening (which I have already stated, is not held often enough).

I should also be helping my third grader more than I already am with “homework” type things, like memorizing times tables and junk.  I have my list of excuses as to why we don’t take more time doing that as regularly as we should, it does have something to do with family time, homework, tumbling, getting in reading minutes, and allowing my kid be a kid.  needless to say, she isn’t having the easiest time, and that is only aggravated by the situation in her classroom. 

there are some punk kids in there.

it doesn’t help that she is so easily distracted in the first place, but to have boys that I would like to discipline myself, causing problems and distractions daily in her class, makes a difficult situation that much harder for her.

the other day, feeling tired, drained, quite emotional, and not at the best health-wise, my best friend allowed me to cry to her for more than a few minutes (on the phone, where she would be at a safe distance from the plague, you know).

I let out my feelings of inadequacy.  how I feel that I am not doing enough, but equally frustrated with how+where to find the time to do all of the things I should, forget what I “want” to do at this point.  I worry about the state that our world is in today, about best protecting my girls, teaching them what they need to know to be safe, successful, and happy.

I know what I need to do, and feel guilty that I haven’t been doing it regularly.  I have been shorting them.

I beat myself up for a while.

then, quite timely, the next morning, my dear mother, who chastises me so well, posted this on facebook:

I feel a bit better, not so bad about myself, but hopeful that I can do just what I need to, and that I will have some heavenly help on my side.

thank you mom.