Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Take one.

Here goes my first shot at this.

It has been weighing on my mind heavily, and those closest to me know all about it, but I guess it is just part of being woman.

(Sorry for the re-run guys..)

Let me just say a few things before I dive headfirst into a pool full of my feelings, I am happy.  I really am!  It is just difficult sometimes when life isn’t where you thought it would be at a particular point on the timeline one has mapped-out for one’s self.  This post is not meant to be a guilt trip (Merrill..), just feelings.  Lastly, I do not intend to hurt feelings, again, this is just the way I feel. 

My mind has been here:


I have said it before, at least 3,476 times that I know of, I LOVE being a mother, I LOVE being pregnant, I am one of those crazies who LVOES EVERYTHING about labor and delivery..  I just love being a woman.  I embrace my calling in life.

If I had one more, there, inevitably one day, would be the desire for “just one more”, and so it would go on and on until the end of time.  Even if I were physically incapable of bearing children, there would still be those golden memories of days past, the longing for those sweet memories and moments of this time.

I just enjoy it.

I have been focusing lately on what I do have, enjoying every minute of it, and not longing for what might/could/should be.

(In my personal timeline, #5 should be cooking away..)

Things were going swimmingly with my daily mantra until that mid-cycle time of the month hit on Sunday.  In all of it’s ovulatory glory (pretty sure that phrase was just invented, BY ME!) amid headache, backache, front ache, my body was screaming at me, “YOU ARE SO FERTILE!!!”

The one and only thing that would take all of this ovulatory discomfort away (since Tylenol and Advil weren’t doing what I thought and what is rumored that they should..) was pregnancy itself.

It is true.

That harsh reality led to another wave of the “I wish I were pregnant” emotion.

Merrill and I do talk about it.  He might try to tell you it is an every day occurrence, but it really doesn’t come up that often, and I can honestly say if it does get brought up, it is brought up by one of the girls, or an anxious grandparent. 

It’s not always me.

I will never understand the anxiety he feels as a provider, just as he will never quite understand the desire I have as a woman, to experience that joy, the happiness this experience brings to my life.

It just is the way it is.

I have trouble voicing these feelings out loud, in my own little nook of  blogitopia, because I know of so many who long for the same joy, who long for it the same way I do, but are having difficulty finding it, having it. 

I guess I just don’t want to seem insensitive.  I know that my situation is one of choice, not circumstance. 

I hope that this little outburst of mine helps someone, helps my own daughters, someday, to understand how I felt about this aspect of my life.

And now that my mind is clear, I can get on with it.


Rachael said...

Jesse has called me "Fertile Myrtle" sense I conceived Hayden. Because of the fact that I never miss carried and it was my first pregnancy.

He started calling me Sterile Carroll the day after my surgery. It's a tough road us women have to go through, even when the choices and plans we had for ourselves aren't the same as the lords. It all works out though. And I'm pretty sure if you keep asking you'll get what you want. When the time is right.

Six-Pack Momma said...

You know I can empathize. Love ya!

Emalee said...

I totally understand the desire. That is how I feel right now! I truly hope you have at least one more. :) Love you

Ally's Corner said...

My husband is going through a very hard time right now thinking he should be in a different place than he is. He is not looking at what he has now. I stopped looking back in the past and regretting what I didn't do didn't have. I too wished for another child. Then I think my life is good no getting up at night no potty training (which I hated ) and I look at my girls and feel blessed to have them. I look at my friends my age and most have grown kids and then I think I missing out on things they get to do. I think we all feel this way at times. My neighbor felt the same way you do then she got pregnant with her four child and knew that was it. It all works out in the end…

Bits and Pieces of Me...Emily! said...

Mike and I were never on the same page when it came to children. One minute, I would be content..then he would be content and then neither one of us wanted anymore...and then Mike surprised me and said he thought there was just one more..And the next thing I know, I am preggers with Ethan. I grew up in a house with lots of kids and knew I didn't want a big family. I have never gotten a feeling like I needed another baby, thus all four of mine were surprises..and it wasn't easy getting them here. But I think your feelings have value and Merritt. And I think you should trust your self and your feelings! And good for you to want, to have, to experience another life! (I am more of the type..get it over with I am done being pregnant! By the 4th week!)

BookwormMom said...

You have every right to have the feelings and emotions you do. Any woman should understand that, no matter what situation they're in.

For me, although I know our family is complete, I will always miss the feeling of being pregnant, and labor and delivery...I love that.

Love you!

Bonnie said...

Sometimes you get what you desire. I wanted a rocker/recliner to nurse our next baby in, got one for $40 the other day. Didn't even pray for it, just felt like I needed it. Merril might not like my comment, but maybe some day he might change his mind... :) you are still young, younger that me anyway and I am only on #2. I waited for 7 years till Ryan felt like he could support children, so I am not the type that thinks you should work against your husbands desires. I just think you are an amazing mom and hope more spirits will have the benifit of your mothering in some form.

Amber said...

My own personal timeline is WAY off! I always figured that I'd get married no later than 21 but here I am about to turn 28 and only just getting married this year. I often feel sad that some of my siblings are done having children and I haven't even started. It's been a struggle to be happy with where I am in my life when I wanted to badly to be somewhere else.
Still, I am happy with Branden and looking forward to my life with him and the children we will have. It may be later than I expected but I hope to one day understand firsthand your feelings about pregnancy and motherhood.

Tiffany said...

My life is not in line with my plan either, but I think that's the nature of life. My sister in laws and I have been discussing this a lot lately. They are all done having kids and no one's family is quite how they planned but everyone is happy with what they have. It alway seems to work out just right even if it's not how we planned.

Brooke said...

haha... I like the picture ;)... everything I wanted to say was pretty much already said... I'd hate to be a repeat :)

Annie said...

Mindy I really hope that you get to have more kids. You seem like such a perfect mother. You really inspire me...I would like to be able to accomplish half of the things that you do and I always love seeing and hearing about the cute clothes you make for your girls and all of the fun activities that you do. Your creativity reminds me of my own mom (who is also perfect, in my eyes). So, to sum things up...I think every kids deserves a mother like you, so I hope you get all the kids you want:)

anniebobannie said...

I can sympathize with you. I thought I would get married at 19 and have like six kids by now all spaced two perfect years apart....Um yeah, I didn't get married til I was 25, had Ava at 27,then had a suprize Sawyer at 29 weeks a year later! I know I want more but I am scared to death to get pregnant again. You are such an amazing person and mother and I hope you can have more children. You are the best mom and wife I know and I really look up to you. I think you will get your wish.

Promise said...

Oh Mind...even with how hard my pregnancy with Abby was...I so know how you feel about having that baby growing inside you and even the labor and delivery...I love it too. You and Merrill are still young...there is time. I really feel like I am done now (mostly because I am scared I wont make it through another one...eek!) but the idea of feeling a baby kicking and moving around inside of me is still an exciting thought and ones that I like to remember with each of our little munchkins! It'll all work out...have faith...that's what we always tell ourselves and each other right!?!? You are such a great mom...and a great example too! Love you!